The devil whispered in my ear, "You are not strong enough to withstand the storm."

Today I whispered back, "I am the storm."

Sometimes your compass breaks

And your true north fades.

And your forest turns dark you get caught in a thunderstorm and you’re lost and you collapse and betray yourself and blame yourself and hold your heart to the fire, knowing no other thing to do.

And then the sun rises.

And the rain slows to a drizzle. 

And you realize you've been here before. 

And you stand up and just start going.

And you’re not sure to where, or in which direction, but you know you have to go.

this is what weekends feel like with you

Thoughts to myself on: Taking the Subway

Where are we going?

Is this jail?

Wait we have to pay for this?

Those are nice mosaics.

It's hot down here.

What if I fall in? Would I have enough time to climb back out?

Oh look it's coming! That was fast.

This is so convenient! No waiting! I love New York.

HURRY GET ON MOVE IT PEOPLE THIS IS N-Y-C THERE IS NO TIME!

Phew, made it.

I don't want to touch this.

Ok I'll just use the back of my wri-

OH SHIT HANG ON.

I'm hot.

Looking around, I feel good about what I'm wearing.

He's wearing shorts? Please. Must be new.

Ugh she still has her sunglasses on I should have thought of that.

I need to wash my hands.

Wait what stop is this?

How do you know which one's your stop?

Great I'm probably in New Jersey.

I'll just get off at one that sounds familiar.

Houston, nice. Like Texas. Sounds promising.

Is he sleeping? How?

SE corner of.. hm no..

NE corner of.. What?

None of the above!

WHERE AM I

Ok just choose a stairway and go.

SUNLIGHT.

THE GREAT BEYOND.

Wait ok where am I

When you laugh, everything goes from hard to the easiest thing in the world

late night tracks

❝ Is it the little things that make me love you? Yeah, sure, it’s the little things… if by little you mean the monumental details that hold the weight of the world in the core of my soul–the major moments when I don’t expect anything significant and you do something with such care and ease that I stare at your chest knowing I’ve never seen your heart any clearer. It’s the times you’ve kissed my shoulder when no one was watching, the way you look at me when I’m hurting, and how you still answer my endless questions with patience and tact. It’s how you so often respond the exact opposite from how I expect you to, and the way you listen and talk with such transparency and grace–yeah, I love you because of those “little” moments that plant themselves deeply and daily in our story. These “little” things that sprout promising implications, screaming through the silence of my doubts–those “little” things you do–all rippling through my stillness, shattering my hesitations, and holding up my broken weary head with bold handsome hands–sure, it’s the little things that make me love you, but they’re not little at all when I’m on the front lines watching your heart unfold. These little things are massive, because if they were little at all, I wouldn’t have the honor of knowing you so thoroughly. It takes love to know when something little is actually big, you know? So, it’s the big things that make me love you, really. Don’t you see all you are to me? You are proof that life is beautiful because the evidence is constantly blooming from your soul, pouring from your mouth, gripping in your fingers, blinking in your eyes. You make our little moments rumble with color–making little moments not little at all. ❞

You laugh like you've never been lonely

I didn't do anything but school this week.  Which when people say eat, sleep, whatever, as a way to say that's all they do, actually topped that because we didn't really eat or sleep either.  I mean we ate donuts for every meal, and slept between coffees.  We laughed so hard we couldn't sit in our chairs and blasted music at 4 am and edited into the mornings. And I look back and it's like the best week of my life.

last year / first project

is butter. Specifically Land o' Lakes.  So right now everything is buttery. Fresh shaved legs. under my eyes from under eye cream. the warm air coming from my air conditioning unit.

head butter:

Happenings on the 3, cont.

This morning: waiting at stop, listening to music. I hear "excuse me miss!" I turn around. "we just wanted to let you know you a swag bunny. Anywhere you go you let em know!" I think to myself well this is awesome. He continues "whatever it is you got it baby girl you the swag bunny you let em know!" So here I am letting em know. 

Happenings on the 3, part one

- approx 8:30 am: man gets on, part homeless looking, part thug. Has no fare. Driver says no, get off. He shows her his hand, which is pouring out blood. Says he got stabbed. Driver agrees to drop him off at hospital a few blocks down. Man sits next to me. I tell him to hold his hand above his heart to stop bleeding. He questions me. I show him my hand with stitches and say "same." He puts his hand above his heart. For the rest of the ride I picture my life as a successful doctor.

-approx 8:15 am: man gets on, mid 30's, wearing bucket hat and khakis rolled up at the waist. Socks with teevas. Holds onto hand rails and begins doing yoga poses/stretching hybrid. Sign around neck reads "in loving silence, thank you for understanding." I say "you're welcome."

-approx 6:30 pm: I get on, sit down. Man gets up and comes to sit next to me. Leans in and expresses his love for me and his plans to marry me. Grabs my hand to kiss, I jerk away. Man becomes angry, moves seats next to another woman, and begins falling asleep on her shoulder. Woman gets up. Man begins yelling at her, asking if she got made fun of in high school because she has no social skills. Man gets kicked off. I picture my life married to that man. 

- approx 6 pm: I get on, before I sit down middle aged Vietnamese man in Air Force jacket and hat pushes a quarter into my hand. Says loudly in broken English: "this is happy quarter I save for you. Don't lose, very rare, on back is 100 horses." The back of the quarter is from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm confused, the rest of the bus probably thinks I know the guy. I hold onto the quarter and thank him. He comes to sit behind me and begins describing his jewelry to me. "This one spiritual, I praying for you. This one lucky, I pray for you." I just keep saying thank you, not sure how else to respond. Man gets off bus.  20 minutes later I see him again at my stop. He asks if I'll go see a movie with him. I say no thank you. 

The moon told me a secret last night.

It said, 'baby, we are going to be fine.'

"the heart breaks. that's how the magic gets in"

you're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece

last night at this kids apartment i discovered this dog i fell in love with and he followed me around everywhere it was so cute

News from my bed

Which is new and which I'm obsessed with.  Things like new beds I feel fully appropriate being obsessed with. THANKS DAD.

In terms of packing for LA, so far there is an open suitcase on floor.  Our apartment there is furnished so that means I don't have to pack right?

On my nightstand is this copywriter's resume with a sandwich grease stain on it. This copywriter claims it was designed in Pages, so obviously I found this genius and needed to save it.  But now that it's stained I really can't find a use for it anymore.

Hot yoga and I are so hot that I don't even get sore from it anymore, which is really only problematic in that I can't complain about being sore from it anymore.

Also I'm wearing a porcupine quill necklace so do I even need a masters?

I put a piece of fresh eucalyptus in my shower because I thought it would be like a spa.  It's not really. 

Currently stuffing my face with greek takeout food and thinking about the fact that I have grad school prom tomorrow, and also the fact that grad school prom is a thing.