❝ Is it the little things that make me love you? Yeah, sure, it’s the little things… if by little you mean the monumental details that hold the weight of the world in the core of my soul–the major moments when I don’t expect anything significant and you do something with such care and ease that I stare at your chest knowing I’ve never seen your heart any clearer. It’s the times you’ve kissed my shoulder when no one was watching, the way you look at me when I’m hurting, and how you still answer my endless questions with patience and tact. It’s how you so often respond the exact opposite from how I expect you to, and the way you listen and talk with such transparency and grace–yeah, I love you because of those “little” moments that plant themselves deeply and daily in our story. These “little” things that sprout promising implications, screaming through the silence of my doubts–those “little” things you do–all rippling through my stillness, shattering my hesitations, and holding up my broken weary head with bold handsome hands–sure, it’s the little things that make me love you, but they’re not little at all when I’m on the front lines watching your heart unfold. These little things are massive, because if they were little at all, I wouldn’t have the honor of knowing you so thoroughly. It takes love to know when something little is actually big, you know? So, it’s the big things that make me love you, really. Don’t you see all you are to me? You are proof that life is beautiful because the evidence is constantly blooming from your soul, pouring from your mouth, gripping in your fingers, blinking in your eyes. You make our little moments rumble with color–making little moments not little at all. ❞

You laugh like you've never been lonely

I didn't do anything but school this week.  Which when people say eat, sleep, whatever, as a way to say that's all they do, actually topped that because we didn't really eat or sleep either.  I mean we ate donuts for every meal, and slept between coffees.  We laughed so hard we couldn't sit in our chairs and blasted music at 4 am and edited into the mornings. And I look back and it's like the best week of my life.

last year / first project

is butter. Specifically Land o' Lakes.  So right now everything is buttery. Fresh shaved legs. under my eyes from under eye cream. the warm air coming from my air conditioning unit.

head butter:

Happenings on the 3, cont.

This morning: waiting at stop, listening to music. I hear "excuse me miss!" I turn around. "we just wanted to let you know you a swag bunny. Anywhere you go you let em know!" I think to myself well this is awesome. He continues "whatever it is you got it baby girl you the swag bunny you let em know!" So here I am letting em know. 

Happenings on the 3, part one

- approx 8:30 am: man gets on, part homeless looking, part thug. Has no fare. Driver says no, get off. He shows her his hand, which is pouring out blood. Says he got stabbed. Driver agrees to drop him off at hospital a few blocks down. Man sits next to me. I tell him to hold his hand above his heart to stop bleeding. He questions me. I show him my hand with stitches and say "same." He puts his hand above his heart. For the rest of the ride I picture my life as a successful doctor.

-approx 8:15 am: man gets on, mid 30's, wearing bucket hat and khakis rolled up at the waist. Socks with teevas. Holds onto hand rails and begins doing yoga poses/stretching hybrid. Sign around neck reads "in loving silence, thank you for understanding." I say "you're welcome."

-approx 6:30 pm: I get on, sit down. Man gets up and comes to sit next to me. Leans in and expresses his love for me and his plans to marry me. Grabs my hand to kiss, I jerk away. Man becomes angry, moves seats next to another woman, and begins falling asleep on her shoulder. Woman gets up. Man begins yelling at her, asking if she got made fun of in high school because she has no social skills. Man gets kicked off. I picture my life married to that man. 

- approx 6 pm: I get on, before I sit down middle aged Vietnamese man in Air Force jacket and hat pushes a quarter into my hand. Says loudly in broken English: "this is happy quarter I save for you. Don't lose, very rare, on back is 100 horses." The back of the quarter is from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm confused, the rest of the bus probably thinks I know the guy. I hold onto the quarter and thank him. He comes to sit behind me and begins describing his jewelry to me. "This one spiritual, I praying for you. This one lucky, I pray for you." I just keep saying thank you, not sure how else to respond. Man gets off bus.  20 minutes later I see him again at my stop. He asks if I'll go see a movie with him. I say no thank you. 

The moon told me a secret last night.

It said, 'baby, we are going to be fine.'

"the heart breaks. that's how the magic gets in"

you're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece

last night at this kids apartment i discovered this dog i fell in love with and he followed me around everywhere it was so cute

News from my bed

Which is new and which I'm obsessed with.  Things like new beds I feel fully appropriate being obsessed with. THANKS DAD.

In terms of packing for LA, so far there is an open suitcase on floor.  Our apartment there is furnished so that means I don't have to pack right?

On my nightstand is this copywriter's resume with a sandwich grease stain on it. This copywriter claims it was designed in Pages, so obviously I found this genius and needed to save it.  But now that it's stained I really can't find a use for it anymore.

Hot yoga and I are so hot that I don't even get sore from it anymore, which is really only problematic in that I can't complain about being sore from it anymore.

Also I'm wearing a porcupine quill necklace so do I even need a masters?

I put a piece of fresh eucalyptus in my shower because I thought it would be like a spa.  It's not really. 

Currently stuffing my face with greek takeout food and thinking about the fact that I have grad school prom tomorrow, and also the fact that grad school prom is a thing.

"she's mad but she's magic. there's no lie in her fire"

i feel sorry for the people who have to lead double lives.  They have one life for their friends. Another for their parents.  And then like do they need another for God?

they don't know who they are.  They don't respect themselves. They don't respect others.

Then they latch on to people who have love to give.  And use them to feel better about themselves. Because they don't know how.

Life is so short and precious.  Who are they trying to fool? And why?

Today I woke up and realized I'm not sad for me. I'm sad for them.

i took it off. i did not want to carry it with me anymore.

Mango Tea
Gray hoodie
India ink
Sunday

out of all of your lies, i love you was my favorite

relevant and dope

Why don't you tell me that "if the girl had been worth having, she'd have waited for you"? No, sir, the girl really worth having won't wait for anybody.

F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

when you learn how to sing love songs to yourself

there's nothing happier

queen

Thanks Banks

You are so good so loud in the morning.

the pain of now can't compare with the joy that's coming.

don't be sorry.
I trusted you.
My mistake, not yours.

Promise me

you will not spend so much time

treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves

that you forget,

truly forget,

how much you have always loved to swim.

It takes getting everything you've ever wanted, and then losing it, to know what true freedom is

When you realize you've stopped doing something you actually enjoy doing.

Things that are new with me lately:

-no longer do I just make quesadillas for dinner I make quesadillas with onions, peppers and ground beef in them.  My breakfasts are often vegan but my dinners tend to have more animal grease than the garbage disposal.

-when searching for personal fulfillment, I find it in lighting a good-smelling candle in the living room.

-why are books that need to be returned to the library so hard to return to the library?

-2 out of 3 days I get out of class at 4:30 which is convenient in terms of wine.

-I'm in the process of creating my website but honestly it's easier to make websites for other people because other people are able to tell you what they want while I myself am actually incapable.

-semester goal: use scanner at all time