So i went for a run. i was going to go to the gym-- got my shoes on, one card ready, remembered my ipod...but i started running and ran past the gym. i kept running...i saw where the road inclined and ran towards it. ran up it then it inclined again and i ran up that too. I never turned around to run back, i just kept running. i never even turned my ipod on. i could hear myself breathe, and i didn't want anything to get in the way of that. i just kept running for a while. it felt great. pain that made sense. it felt strong. i wasn't giving in. it felt free. my body was moving and nothing was holding it back. i hope i run again soon.
Just find the horizon, I promise you it's not as far as you think
Monday
life is not always going to be good. accept that, and you will start seeing what good there is.
I realized today that I cannot taste. I bought yogurt covered pretzels today between classes. They tasted like pencils in my mouth, but I was so hungry I ate one after the next until all four servings in the container were gone. It wasn't a very big container, perhaps the size of a soda can. I realized today I cannot listen to music. Even my favorite songs turn into annoying buzz that gives me a headache. I don't want to listen to music. I listen to "the sound of ocean waves" on youtube instead, which really just sounds like a bunch of scratchy static going in and out. I realized today that I cannot relax. My chest is so tight that it is hard for me to breathe. I go around in constant physical tension because I'm afraid to move my body. It's like ok, in this position you are alive, you are living, but careful if you move, you haven't tried that, and you don't know if you might die, so why risk it. That sounds stupid. It's annoying.
I realized today that I'm not letting these things take over. I realized that I ate the pretzels, even though I didn't want to. I realized that I listened to a whole new Taylor Swift song, even though I didn't want to. I realized that I have been moving my body all day, and have not died. I think about how sad I feel and decide that it is the worst feeling in the world. And then I realize something else...if this is the worst, can't it only get better? Being at the bottom is helpless, devastating, painful, hopeless. But actually, there is hope down there. Because if I've already made it down as far as I can imagine, it's going to have to turn around and work its way back up eventually, right? Like Shania Twain's song, "Up." Can only go up from here. I don't even want to go up very high, I just long for that peace and security of being at ground level. So there's my hope. My first little, tiny, almost insignificant piece of hope. I'm not staying down here forever, I already decided. Can't wait to get out.
I realized today that I'm not letting these things take over. I realized that I ate the pretzels, even though I didn't want to. I realized that I listened to a whole new Taylor Swift song, even though I didn't want to. I realized that I have been moving my body all day, and have not died. I think about how sad I feel and decide that it is the worst feeling in the world. And then I realize something else...if this is the worst, can't it only get better? Being at the bottom is helpless, devastating, painful, hopeless. But actually, there is hope down there. Because if I've already made it down as far as I can imagine, it's going to have to turn around and work its way back up eventually, right? Like Shania Twain's song, "Up." Can only go up from here. I don't even want to go up very high, I just long for that peace and security of being at ground level. So there's my hope. My first little, tiny, almost insignificant piece of hope. I'm not staying down here forever, I already decided. Can't wait to get out.
Sunday
Tuesday
i want a break. oh hey fall break!
i dont really have anything that i'm craving to express on here right now. besides these really depressing pictures. i picked out all the ones that seem almost as sad as i am. or was. am i sad anymore? i can't tell.
"Feel your fears and face them anyway" -Lara Casey
Sunday
Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies. -Aristotle
i love Starbucks. i've been there so much in the past week that I've heard The Shins at least twice a day. i think once i even cycled through their whole store soundtrack they play. Good music though. Sometimes i capitalize my i's and sometimes i dont. Sometimes the computer automatically does it for me. same with apostrophe's.
Get this and drink it. It's shaken iced tea lemonade, Passion flavor. So good.
also check this person out. She's dripping in differentness.
i like watching Parent Trap with C when she's two hours away!
i also like hot wingz sunday. Sundays have become lets-get-hot-wings-nuclear-flavor-because-we're-craving-them-even-though-we-just-had-them-last-week, where we order in wings and watch tv when we really should be doing our homework.
Also even though i saw Sam Adams live and decided he's not cute and isn't that good live and is obnoxiously the epitome of a drunk college boy, i still enjoy playing Coast to Coast and kind of get a crush on him when i listen to it. Okay and Driving Me Crazy. i think i'd want to date him if i knew him.
baaybyyy you been drivin me crazyyyy
this came out of nowhere, caught me by awkward and unprepared surprise: i met a stomach-sinkingly cute boy in the laundry room today. and we talked for an hour. I haven't told anyone because i dont want to ruin the excitingness of it. keeping it my sweet little secret for now. I never decided if I liked him. But i think he liked me. Which is cute. And the setting was dreadfully cliche. I mean meeting a guy while you're both doing laundry? Guess that actually happens.
See below.
YEa...
HAhah
Wednesday
Tuesday
I think i better run
Like our list of husband qualities, I'm going to start a list of boyfriend qualities. I don't care about getting married. But next time I meet someone, they better check all these off before even thinking about anything else.
-drop off starbucks when i'm studying, just to say hello.
-look at me like the guy in the table across from me is looking at his girlfriend.
-pick me up when he greets me and kisses me like the guy greeted his girlfriend before coming into Starbucks.
-ask me about my day. and listen when i feel like complaining. yes, like the guy is doing for his girlfriend at the table across from me at Starbucks.
-drop off starbucks when i'm studying, just to say hello.
-look at me like the guy in the table across from me is looking at his girlfriend.
-pick me up when he greets me and kisses me like the guy greeted his girlfriend before coming into Starbucks.
-ask me about my day. and listen when i feel like complaining. yes, like the guy is doing for his girlfriend at the table across from me at Starbucks.
Friday
OMGOMGOMG
i was playing [stalking] on facebook and saw that this guy mike, lived in my neighborhood, and his girlfriend are complicated. this makes me so happy and i don't know WHY. six months ago they were so happy and so new and so crazy about each other. and now they're COMPLICATED and he even deleted all his wall-to-walls with her so that it's only her comments. ha yes, i looked. This is so selfish and awful to be so happy about their mid-relationship struggles, but i am. it makes me feel like I'm not alone here. i also feel better than them for some reason. like hey, i figured it out first!
food for thought
I'm obsessed with Bite Size Everything Crackers from Trader Joe's. It's an everything bagel in a cracker!
With New Zealand Sharp Cheddar Cheese.
also from Trader Joe's.
With New Zealand Sharp Cheddar Cheese.
also from Trader Joe's.
Hello Diary,
That's what this has become, really...
LIstening to: "Kingdom of Rust" by The Doves
I get excited about the strangest things.
Like, buying new shampoo and conditioner makes me really excited and I can't wait to take a shower. It's like having a cute puppy at home and everyday I can't wait to come back and see them again haha. Any hair product is like that for me actually. It definitely has to do with the smell and the bottle. If hair product smells good, I'm turned on. And something about the way a design or the font of the label or the color of the bottle and the way it looks sitting on my counter is so exciting. See I hate a ton of cosmetics and products sitting all over the counter- that looks high maintenance- but having a simple line of a few hair products standing poised like top shelf alcohol at a bar makes my counter so cool and makes me really happy. Haha here are some favorites, past and current, that I enjoy sitting on my counter/shower rack:
LIstening to: "Kingdom of Rust" by The Doves
I get excited about the strangest things.
Like, buying new shampoo and conditioner makes me really excited and I can't wait to take a shower. It's like having a cute puppy at home and everyday I can't wait to come back and see them again haha. Any hair product is like that for me actually. It definitely has to do with the smell and the bottle. If hair product smells good, I'm turned on. And something about the way a design or the font of the label or the color of the bottle and the way it looks sitting on my counter is so exciting. See I hate a ton of cosmetics and products sitting all over the counter- that looks high maintenance- but having a simple line of a few hair products standing poised like top shelf alcohol at a bar makes my counter so cool and makes me really happy. Haha here are some favorites, past and current, that I enjoy sitting on my counter/shower rack:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)