Things to do when lying on the couch for three days: google T Swift and Blake and read/watch everything about them that ever existed

"There are two ways you can get through pain.  

You can let it destroy you, 

or you can use it as fuel to drive you: 

to dream bigger, work harder."

“People can feel more alone in a relationship than when they’re single 

if they abandon who they are.”

Blake

Well I am sitting here all scrubbed down in pre-op soap just under 12 hours before my second final foot surgery.  Nerves are jumping all up around the inside of my body. But it doesn't feel like they're for my surgery. They feel like they're for B having dropped me like a hot potato just 2 days ago. I say "just" because I can't believe it has only been 2 days. Life without B for 2 days is similar to what going 2 weeks without water feels like.

My stomach hurts all day like it did the last time my heart broke. All too familiar. Throat all swelled up. Heavy chest. It's so physical. And I find it so interesting. So interesting that instead of letting it swallow me whole like the last time my heart broke, I find myself concentrating so that my mind is outside my body and I breathe just so I can feel the physical-ness of it. It's like loss. Or grief. Or failure, or fear, or a combination of everything.  It is really something, the way my mind and my body play out these extravagant demonstrations of emotion.

Then I realized- I tend to a deeply passionate, sensitive, highly reactive way of life. Everyday, I feel inspiration, movement, devastation.  It's dramatic, it really is.  But I am not sure that I can help it.  And so I am not sure that I can ever learn to harden my shell the next time something comes crashing down. For some reason I let it hit, erupt into flames, and burn until I don't feel the burn anymore. I don't know why I do that.  Again, I don't think I can help it.  I often wish I didn't welcome it so freely.  But my mind and body absorb emotion like a sponge. And as a result, when one thing doesn't go my way, I break into pieces inside.

Here's why it matters that I realized this- I can still be strong. I can still be in control.  I can still experience my emotions without allowing them to invade my life like a quick-spreading virus. I think that by growing up, you have a responsibility to the life you're building.  You have to care about the part that's already built, even if it feels like it has crumbled down to the foundation.  Like, a house might not have been fun to build at times, but it can still be fun to live in.  And as long as you remember how to breathe, and also how to laugh, I  think life will be okay.  So as awful as rejection by my first and nearly life-long love is, I owe it to the life I've been building not to forget how much fun the other parts are.

It is break, yes finally, and the only reason I know it's Monday is because I woke up at 11:30 to a silent house. I mean like, so silent I could hear wildlife in my backyard.  This means it's Monday because everyone must be at school, or work, or school. (Mom's a teacher).  So, after a little bit of letting the the over-night warmth that stays under your covers sink into my skin, I got up, made some passionfruit mango tea, let the bunnies out, watched the movie the boys were watching last night that was still in the dvd player, and ate one or two bowls of cereal.

Now that the movie is over, I'm going to work on my mom's Christmas present. I am taking her two cluttered boxes of recipes and organizing them in a cute, easy-to-navigate book. I'm using all the original recipe cards and making tabs for desserts, dinners, and, yea. Desserts and dinners.  She's not really a cook cook, but for us girls who aren't really cook cooks, it makes it that much easier when you can find the recipe you're looking for without unfolding thirty index cards looking for what your looking for. Even if it's the same recipe you use twice a week. Which is melt-in-your-mouth chicken tetrazzini. What. We like melt-in-your-mouth chicken tetrazzini.

The movie I watched. So funny. 

Tea

Finals. For like 10 days I find that my hair is always in a greasy ponytail, my hands are dry from not moisturizing, I'm either too full or too hungry, my eyebrows aren't groomed, my eyes burn from refusing to sleep and I start to get sick towards day 7 or 8. I decided to put this go-to list together mainly for my own reference, but it's also pretty useful for people who like tea. And lately, I'm one of those people. 1, because I tend to look to food/drinks/edible delicious things to put into my mouth when I have any or all of the below problems. And also because all this complaining-about-shit habit needs to go.

So!

If you're...

-stressed out
-about to go to bed
-angry
Try: Chamomile tea

-tired
-trying to lost weight
-feeling sick
Try: Green tea

-feeling sluggish
-have a stomachache
Try: Chai tea

-trying to burn fat
-breaking out
Try: Oolong tea

-headache
-sore
Try: Peppermint tea



and a little music therapy never hurt. 


Happy studying! 

happy

I'm not ready for my test. But I'm happy today so for some reason I'm not stressing about it.

Here's a glimpse into what it's like when a non-science girl studies science:

Textbook:

Flotation Mechanisms of Diatoms and other flagellates: 
1. Reduce density (lipids, mucus, ion regulation, gas vacuoles)
2. Decrease size
3. Form resistance (non-spherical shape)
4. Physical transport

Shan: 

How to Float:
1. Get skinny
2. Get smaller
3. Spread arms out
4. Swim!

Me vs. College

It is gloomy. The sky is whiteish gray. It's like 70 degress. I am so tired! And yet, I don't have time to sleep. Until next Thursday. So hopefully by some religion/magic/loud music I will survive. Right now "Better Off Running" by Cris Cab is blasting into my eardrums.  Because I don't know how else I am going to stay awake through the next hour-and-fifteen minute class that will conclude my scheduled part of the day if my ears aren't ringing me awake.  I do have a little packet of strawberry flavored caffeine I'm saving for the minute class starts.  It makes my throat feel weird and my stomach kind of hurt. But it tastes like strawberries, after all. Aside from that, I'm banking on my peace with my God and all those around me to stay awake. (haha). As well as my imagination that will take me to places involving Cris Cab and sunshine.  

" I get a lot of douchebags, a phrase that I never understand but somehow applies to this scenario. The non-callers, the guys obsessed more with themselves than I can stomach, the guys who are still getting over their exes, the ones who ‘don’t like labels.’ I don’t blame them, I find them and seek them out because I still crave the aloneness, I am still not ready to let go of the hope of somebody lovely. I have not yet found somebody better than that hope. "