So this blog was supposed to be for a class. i've already opened a tumblr, so now I'm still trying to decide if i like this or tumblr. kind of like deciding a major. this one's good, but i could do more with the other...the teetering between the two seems endless. and just when i'm sure i've picked the right one.. i fall for something about the other. this happens with a lot of things in my life, not just majors. for instance, ice cream flavors.
..gosh i love chocolate, i always get chocolate, i'm never unhappy with chocolatey bliss on my tongue. but mango? now the fruity explosion from the sample spoon is seducing me into choosing mango.
or radio stations.
...it's saturday afternoon, the sun is shining, the windows are down, it's totally a dave matthews on g105 kind of moment. but i've made the mistake of pressing the pre-set for k97.5 hip hop and the kanye/lil wayne mash-up i've been waiting to hear all day is on. how can i thump out to lil wayne's weezing vocals on a day like this? it feels like i'm watching BET music videos with the kids i'm babysitting.
sometimes i struggle with hairstyles, too.
..ok you want his attention, hair down, no question. but the earrings you wanted to wear drown in the dark curtains of hair if you don't pull your hair back into a cute half-up-half-down thing. do you want to show off your hair or the earrings? it kind of looks good pulled back, too, so you can't decide. hell it looks good both ways, so now its whether you want to get his attention or not. would he like these earrings? i thought guys don't notice that kind of thing. why do people wear earrings anyway?
indecisiveness is frustrating, alluring, unsatisfying. i think its such an issue for me not because i care what someone else thinks (disregard the guy/earring note) but because i care what i would think. would the me post-decision look at myself ashamed saying, wow never thought you'd actually choose that side. or would it shake its head all-knowing after realizing it was the wrong choice saying, you shouldn't have done that. i think i've become less brave since i was younger. it takes courage to make decisions, and lately, i've found myself looking down at my feet thinking, i don't want to take the next step. i don't even know what that step would be. i literally have said, i don't want to think about it right now! but if i keep saying that, when do i think about it? how will i make a decision and escape the black hole of indecisiveness?
that leap of faith is what i haven't had the courage to do. leaping into the uncertainty that comes with putting all your faith in one choice and not the other. knowing that you can't forever enjoy the comfort of having both options open. this has gotten too deep for how this post began. here's to making decisions! Chocolate it is!
