This morning i woke up thinking i would be very happy in the moment when I wake up to five puppies kisisng my face. as good as this sounds (and kind of slimy and gross) i then decided i wanted to be happy about something that i already have, something that already is making me happy. So I'll put three down now, just to make sure i don't lose myself in wishful thinking.
1. eating breakfast in the kitchen when its just me and my brother
2. the four repetitive songs my little brother plays on the ukelele
2. seeing late night movies with my best friend
yay. happy thanksgiving.
Thursday
Monday
I have a confused 20 minutes where I just got back from work and dinner hasn't started but I don't feel like starting on homework then having to put it all away when dinner does start. So I'm just waiting in the formal room with other pretend-like-their-being productive people but really everyone is just really hungry and the brownies or whatever's baking downstairs isn't helping a whole lot. I'm thinking about our new pet sand dollar and how I'm going to listen to mariah carey christmas songs with him when i get home. while also doing piles of Spanish homework and maybe practicing my Spanish out loud to him. I also want to paint my nails. they've been breathin easy for a while, so time to coat em up again. a nice fall hue like marrow or bittersweet , just one of the other ways fall tries to make you feel better as it steals your summer away.
TPPDTNN (ten perfect party dresses to nab now)
Sunday
take you out to lunch, five star dine-r
- "Happiness is good hair and a bad memory."
New York Times has interesting dating advice. Red usually makes me feel like Christmas or Valentines day. Or a fire truck. I would never pick red to wear on a first date. I did some homework (not the productive kind) and here is one sassy little number that just might change my mind.
And thought i'd join the cause for finding cocktail dresses for a certain semi-formal hopping soror :)
i think tHIS purple one is destined for a tousled blonde.
Ok..can't overlook these either...
kind of enjoying the exaggerated shoulder?
This one is weird, very princess-bride. But it made me do a double-take, which makes it deserving of a little extra blog love. Oh and look- its "EXCLUSIVE". Does that make it cool?Things I like: Willow, high boots, and being adored by new zealand soccer players at bars.
I'm not ready for it to be monday. But once i'm done writing this, I'm going to make myself ready. as much as i want to burrow into my down comforter and let every muscle in my body relax, i'm going to study until i feel like i've learned something. One because I want to own this test on friday, two because i want to go to the mixer thursday night. Irresponsible? probably. Worth it? can't help but think so.
Monday
I have been saving smiles for you
This is so you can remember that there are cute, cute boys out there, they exist, they're waiting for your wonderful self, and not one of the others is worth lowering your standards for.
not one.
they're just a little out of sight right now.
Friday
you don't get to text. you dont get to call six times a day. you dont get to leave long voicemails.
when i found you, i thought i found the guy i was going to spend the rest of my life with. i was done.
i said, that's it. all the boys in the world could walk by and i wouldn't look twice because i had you, i was happy. all the flirting in the library, and giving my number out at mixers, and meeting cute guys in class. done.
because i thought you were it.
you lost me. you chose you.
left me. worse, you made me leave myself.
well im me again now. youre a big black cloud in my past and im all rained out.
you don't get to call.
when i found you, i thought i found the guy i was going to spend the rest of my life with. i was done.
i said, that's it. all the boys in the world could walk by and i wouldn't look twice because i had you, i was happy. all the flirting in the library, and giving my number out at mixers, and meeting cute guys in class. done.
because i thought you were it.
you lost me. you chose you.
left me. worse, you made me leave myself.
well im me again now. youre a big black cloud in my past and im all rained out.
you don't get to call.
Thursday
What in the world could it be this time now? i thought that i could make it a day without my heavy heart
sometimes i feel like this song in a sad way, and sometimes in a happy way. a good song can do that, can mold itself to hold your heart the way you want it to. it wraps its thick sweater around your shoulders to comfort you in just the way you need.
i have a good friend brian. we used to think we loved each other. we were in high school, so that stuff's never supposed to mean anything, but i think we still do. not in an oh my god i have to marry you kind of way, but in a i'll always be there for you kind of way. we've gone months without talking, and weeks without a day we didn't talk. and it never feels guilty, or used, or last-resort when we finally catch back up. it's just- hey, what have you been up to all this time. and it's familiar again. i don't get butterflies when i think of him, or wait anxiously for his text. when we kiss, its warm and strong, not fiery and passionate. when we hug, its safe. when we laugh, its easy. refreshing. i don't get jealous when he talks about his girls, but i secretly wish they weren't so pretty. he doesn't get jealous if i say something about a past relationship, but i can tell he cringes inside. i want to look good for him, but not as if i want to impress him. just like i feel like he deserves it. he's the kind of guy who cares about people. he treats girls like people, not tally marks. and then when he starts showing his reckless boyish, wanna-get-some-tonight side, you can't help but smile. he's a sweet mug of hot chocolate, the startling cold your bare hands feel when they catch a football on a crisp fall day, the way a good song sounds on your car stereo when you turn the bass all the way down and the volume all the way up. i'm happy to know him.
I know that it is freezing, but I think we have to walk
I keep waving at the taxis, they keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party at some actor's West side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening by the morning they'll be gone
When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit
And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist
You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad
But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag
I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane
And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is
It was so simple in the moonlight now it's so complicated
It was so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight
So simple in the moonlight...
i have a good friend brian. we used to think we loved each other. we were in high school, so that stuff's never supposed to mean anything, but i think we still do. not in an oh my god i have to marry you kind of way, but in a i'll always be there for you kind of way. we've gone months without talking, and weeks without a day we didn't talk. and it never feels guilty, or used, or last-resort when we finally catch back up. it's just- hey, what have you been up to all this time. and it's familiar again. i don't get butterflies when i think of him, or wait anxiously for his text. when we kiss, its warm and strong, not fiery and passionate. when we hug, its safe. when we laugh, its easy. refreshing. i don't get jealous when he talks about his girls, but i secretly wish they weren't so pretty. he doesn't get jealous if i say something about a past relationship, but i can tell he cringes inside. i want to look good for him, but not as if i want to impress him. just like i feel like he deserves it. he's the kind of guy who cares about people. he treats girls like people, not tally marks. and then when he starts showing his reckless boyish, wanna-get-some-tonight side, you can't help but smile. he's a sweet mug of hot chocolate, the startling cold your bare hands feel when they catch a football on a crisp fall day, the way a good song sounds on your car stereo when you turn the bass all the way down and the volume all the way up. i'm happy to know him.
I know that it is freezing, but I think we have to walk
I keep waving at the taxis, they keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party at some actor's West side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening by the morning they'll be gone
When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit
And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist
You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad
But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag
I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane
And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is
It was so simple in the moonlight now it's so complicated
It was so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight
So simple in the moonlight...
Wednesday
"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional"
Dr. Hogan knows best
I think my bio teacher, who is also a young mom, is a good teacher. She compares her son and daughter and their ever-coveted goldfish to competitve interactions of interspecific competition. She brings in their pairs of different colored mittens when trying to illustrate mitosis.
The other day she was explaining how both species can benefit in an interaction:
"My son wants to stay up later. So I say, okay, you can have 30 extra minutes, if you play with my hair." Mutualism.
I hope I'm that kind of mom.
The other day she was explaining how both species can benefit in an interaction:
"My son wants to stay up later. So I say, okay, you can have 30 extra minutes, if you play with my hair." Mutualism.
I hope I'm that kind of mom.
Tuesday
Monday
I guess you really did it this time, left yourself in your warpath, lost your balance on a tightrope, lost your mind tryin to get it back
I wrote this over fall break. I thought id read it later, be frustrated and edit it, but now coming back to it, i don't think i will.
Dear cara,
thank you.
i love you.
I've said i love you to my parents when I would leave for school for the day. To my grandparents in a thank-you letter after piles of Christmas presents had been opened. To my brothers when I'd leave for a sleepover for the night. To boys over text messages in the heat of it all. But saying it to a best friend is something so different, feels so much more trusted and safe. it feels like i don't even have to say it to you, because i know you know, and that's enough. it's like having your soul in someone else's body, and we share this greater understanding of everything that doesn't need explanation to be understood.
ok this is going to sound like a love letter (which i guess it kind of is, in a weird way) but I hope you know how much i love you and how much im thankful for you. I can't imagine my life without you. Not only because I have no idea how people survive without that somebody that understands and shares every single way about them and about people and about life. or not only because i have no idea how I could have as much fun with you as i could with anybody else (definitely a fact.) or not only because we've already spent the better part of growing up together so.. why not.. seems normal now anyway. i can't imagine it because a few weeks ago, when i physically didn't know how i was going to get through the next day-- much less the next minute-- you pushed me through. you were there to get me through all those moments. I feel like you saved my life just by holding me up enough so i could keep going. You visited (yea it was convenient because i happened to fall apart right exactly on your fall break) and you brought me food that in no way would make things okay, but seemed to make all the difference. you spent all day with me knowing i couldn't be the friend that makes up the other part of cara and shannon, but were there anyway. you sat motionless with me in bed as i fell asleep at ten thirty on the last night of your fall break just to remind me you were there. Thank you so much. That's all i know how to tell you. Thank you and love you.
love,
shan
Dear cara,
thank you.
i love you.
I've said i love you to my parents when I would leave for school for the day. To my grandparents in a thank-you letter after piles of Christmas presents had been opened. To my brothers when I'd leave for a sleepover for the night. To boys over text messages in the heat of it all. But saying it to a best friend is something so different, feels so much more trusted and safe. it feels like i don't even have to say it to you, because i know you know, and that's enough. it's like having your soul in someone else's body, and we share this greater understanding of everything that doesn't need explanation to be understood.
ok this is going to sound like a love letter (which i guess it kind of is, in a weird way) but I hope you know how much i love you and how much im thankful for you. I can't imagine my life without you. Not only because I have no idea how people survive without that somebody that understands and shares every single way about them and about people and about life. or not only because i have no idea how I could have as much fun with you as i could with anybody else (definitely a fact.) or not only because we've already spent the better part of growing up together so.. why not.. seems normal now anyway. i can't imagine it because a few weeks ago, when i physically didn't know how i was going to get through the next day-- much less the next minute-- you pushed me through. you were there to get me through all those moments. I feel like you saved my life just by holding me up enough so i could keep going. You visited (yea it was convenient because i happened to fall apart right exactly on your fall break) and you brought me food that in no way would make things okay, but seemed to make all the difference. you spent all day with me knowing i couldn't be the friend that makes up the other part of cara and shannon, but were there anyway. you sat motionless with me in bed as i fell asleep at ten thirty on the last night of your fall break just to remind me you were there. Thank you so much. That's all i know how to tell you. Thank you and love you.
love,
shan
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