Inter-class nonsensical chatter

I was thinking today about the shift from last semester to this semester. It is a complete 180 and so fulfilling because of it.

Last semester. I used to spend most of my time in the J School with other journalism PR majors, which is basically another over-generalizing way of saying egotistical barbie dolls. But it's not really over-generalizing because really every class I took there was full of "them." (One of my classes had 2 guys and another had a few athletes. But majority rules.) There was something so draining about "them"- the girls who act (i'll be fair, maybe they weren't actually) like they have been spoiled their whole lives while they seem to be here not for an education, but merely to cross off the "Carolina degree" item from their carefully written checklists.  They also wear lip gloss to class. They seemed to have no depth, no ambition, no ideas. A personality that's concocted from a set of instructions. They seemed to share the same NYC magazine editor plans after they graduate, that is if they didn't end up signing out and taking a back seat to the lives of one of their follow-the-recipe boyfriends.

This semester. It's so many things. It's the immersion. Not taking art; living it. The fellow art majors who tell you ideas that make you feel uncomfortable, admire, talk about. The people who introduce themselves.  Who want to know about you, and tell you everything about themselves, whether you ask or not. It's the deterioration of social walls. He's gay, but he's not gay. He's him, and something else. They're complicated and searching. Curious and sexual. It's the daily satisfaction. The personal reward. The feeling of impossibility at the beginning of an assignment that crushes you like a wave. It taunts and challenges and tortures you while you work until it melts into a feeling of achievement that follows like the calm after a thunderstorm. It's so perfect. I love it here.

What happens when you fall in love with a writer?

What happens when you fall in love with a writer? Lots of things might happen. That's the thing about writers. They're unpredictable. They might bring you eggs in bed for breakfast, or they might all but ignore you for days. They might bring you eggs in bed at three in the morning. Or they might wake you up for sex at three in the morning. Or make love at four in the afternoon. They might not sleep at all. Or they might sleep right through the alarm and forget to get you up for work. Or call you home from work to kill a spider. Or refuse to speak to you after finding out you've never seen To Kill A Mockingbird. Or spend the last of the rent money on five kinds of soap. Or sell your textbooks for cash halfway through the semester. Or leave you love notes in your pockets. Or wash your pants with Post-It notes in the pockets so your laundry comes out covered in bits of wet paper. They might cry if the Post-It notes are unread all over your pants. It's an unpredictable life.

But what happens if a writer falls in love with you?

This is a little more predictable. You will find your hemp necklace with the glass mushroom pendant around the neck of someone at a bus stop in a short story. Your favorite shoes will mysteriously disappear, and show up in a poem. The watch you always wear, the watch you own but never wear, the fact that you've never worn a watch: they suddenly belong to characters you’ve never known. And yet they're you. They're not you; they're someone else entirely, but they toss their hair like you. They use the same colloquialisms as you. They scratch their nose when they lie like you. Sometimes they will be narrators; sometimes protagonists, sometimes villains. Sometimes they will be nobodies, an unimportant, static prop. This might amuse you at first. Or confuse you. You might be bewildered when books turn into mirrors. You might try to see yourself how your beloved writer sees you when you read a poem about someone who has your middle name or prose about someone who has never seen To Kill A Mockingbird. These poems and novels and short stories, they will scatter into the wind. You will wonder if you're wandering through the pages of some story you’ve never even read. There's no way to know. And no way to erase it. Even if you leave, a part of you will always be left behind.

If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die. — Unknown

I just wanna swing these hips

This round of foot surgery has truly been a blessing. Easy, quick,(mostly) painless. But it's still demanded so much from me in other ways. Ways I must have been taking for granted, because I didn't realize how much I miss them until I am sitting here, 4 weeks into recovery, still not able to twirl back into the life I knew pre-surgery.

I miss walking to class with ease

I miss cowboy boots

I miss dancing

I miss evening runs

I miss going out in dresses and heels

I miss shag club

I miss Victoria's Secret runway-ing around my room in my underwear and highest, most unreasonable heels

I miss doing that little jog up the stairs

And not being 86 years old 

....more dresses. FP.

Dressing Room by Shan

Today I'm thinking about dresses. For no real reason. I'm on a break right now at the lab so I'm shopping online. BCBG, naturally.. (wassup TJ maxx next season -where $378 turns into $77.. Sometimes..) I'll post some favorites I find here. And since my weekend schedule doesn't usually include premieres or red carpet appearances, I'll try and list some college-girl events these dresses would be perfectly realistic for. And yes, when it comes to BCBG I'm convinced that sometimes $378 is perfectly realistic.

Spring Formal

Kind of wintery, but would still be gorgeous with some post-spring break color

The length says spring Formal, but the color says "I should be at a party in the Upper East side"

Valentine's day cocktail

....Because it was under the "Valentine's day shop" link

Classic fit, sophisticated yet flirty. Even looks pretty on pale winter skin (Rare!)

Okay I'm not actually sure I have this many things to wear all these dresses to. 

Soo just 3 for now. 

To ponder, wish, gaze and dream about how the perfect seams hug your sides. 

Oh my.. must be Gossip Girl Monday Fever. 

Happy That! 

CAM

I went here Friday night for the Id:entity exhibit and gallery talk.  I don't know if it was because I had 2 and a half hours to look at it all, or if it was because I had never seen anything like it; regardless, it was incredible.  I can't wait to go back this Saturday to see the new installation, an addition to the Id:entity exhibit.  I love this picture because this is exactly how magestic it looks around 6:15 p.m. 

Meet my boyfriend!

i cnt decide if i wnt to go out tonight. by the wy the letter the letter tht comes before b doesnt work on this computer. so im getting off. but we re hving   bonfire t the frternity house tonight so i my go to tht. but i hve to finish up some hw now so im in the librry. lst night ws lright, nothing too crzy. ok i cnt tke this ill cll you lter. but youtube under the se by timeflies. tht ws my video

ran-dumb

Saw this today and can't get over it. 

Things that happened to me today, most of which I've gotten over but still deem blog-worthy: 

-Arrived at my first class at the same time my teacher/grad student did -she is really cool and pretty- and she said "I like that scarf." And I said, "*!!!!!* Oh thank you! ...I like, your bike!" -____-

-For some reason I hate telling people that the reason I have a boot is because of bunion surgery (ugh!) So I always try and circumvent the specifics -at least to people I don't really know- and sometimes I can't help getting annoyed at them for being so curious (not fair, I know) So when the lab monitor at the art lab asked "Whatdya do to your foot??" in front of the entire class/teacher I replied- "Not shit" 

.....Cool Shan, just say what's on your mind why don't ya." 

-Setting: Middle of class, everyone else is silently painting. 

Professor (also director of art department, aka phD, important, intimidating yet Santa-like, wears red suspenders and flannel shirts) and I start having a full on rant about how human teeth are the most useless, unnecessary part of the human body, and it would have made so much more sense if humans had dinosaur teeth instead. Class appeared confused, startled. He and I went on with our walking around/painting (respectively) as if it were completely normal. Sometimes I have to remind myself when I'm in class and when I'm not.  

-I made Z go over sprint over to Granville dining hall during our 10 minutes between classes to bring me back a bagel. What. Long day, hungry girl.

-My gay nude model friend calls me his boosie bay. He wanted to hang out "after school" and do my hair. I said ok, so tomorrow around seven pm I will have red hair and ombre roots. I have nothing to say. 

You like da feel i brii-i-ing

We go togetha like peanut and butta

This is me and B because the girl is awkwardly too heavy and tall to carry but the boy is still trying while she's still holding on and pretending to be small and cute. 

And that blue angel is a sweet a$$ whip.

Guess the Pic

this is my sweatshirt inside the car and the reflection the rain made on the window. It looked so cool inside the car, I had to take the pic.

aint nothin but a Wednesday

....heaven

QUIK POST:
Z is in not 1, but 2 of my 3 classes today. Helllllooooo spring semester.

Java java java

events of a day in life: today's edition
Beautiful 7 a.m. morning walk, 30 minutes uphill with a boot along a highway to off-campus sculpture class.
Out early, vanilla latte and berry muffin check.
Caffeine caffeine caffeine. Must blog.

Preview of the rest of events of a day in the life: today's edition
3 hour painting class in t-minus 29 minutes
followed by,
3 hour life drawing class (YES, naked people)
followed by,
that's it.

We had to say our spirit animal as part of our get-to-know-you thing in class......... and I said dolphin. In case you might have thought I would say something else.

My teacher's? a giraffe.
Thought of you, C, naturally.

My fellow classmates include a grizzly bear, a penguin, a golden retriever and tree bark (what?), among several other creatures who don't know, one of whom reminds me of Prim. It was one of those exercises that will make me think of my classmates as these animals and these animals only for the rest of the semester. So much for names.

The barista just shouted that 2 free cappuccinos are sitting on the counter up for grabs. I am trying really hard not to get up and grab.

Happy Toooz!

Back to the hill

unpacking is like diving into a black hole. that keeps going. and goiiiinnnggg

Ready for He's not toniggghhhttttttt. And to see everyone. My friends. That I don't live with. 

Because I don't have anything to say..........here is some substitute actual entertainment.

New Year's Resolution

be strong, be free

a panini I made

2 slices of Toscani bread (I used Trader Joe's) 

3 slices of Buffalo chicken from the deli, thinly sliced (spicy!)

1 slice of cheddar cheese

2 tomato slices

1/2 avocado 

As you can see, I couldn't resist taking a bite or three before taking the picture. 

To try: my drink is 3 parts cranberry pomegranate juice and 1 part orange mango juice. 

So good, it could've been a cocktail provided a little vodka. 

Here is my bitchy response:

What a poor excuse for a man. You pathetic, low-life, selfish, block-headed douche bag, are you serious? You ignore me for 12 days, don't stop even once to ask me about my surgery, thank me for your birthday gift, ask how my Christmas was, RESPOND, or ONCE to even tell me just not to bother contacting you. You ignore my call after two weeks of NOTHING to text me "email." What? Email? Seriously? You're lucky I'm good with words. Of course it means "check your email." Please, use as few words as possible.

Is that easy for you? An email? God-forbid you answer the phone, or, i'm sorry, call me back, and commuunicate with me un-rehearsed.  Too scary, I know.  You mentioned, in your email. Well I guess that was about a text. Wouldn't want to be put on the spot with a phone call. Take responsibility for yourself in front of someone you hurt. Since you can't be there when I need you, and you sure as hell cant be there when you're apologizing, I'm not really sure there is  much else to say.

You have made it clear that I am not what you want, and so be it. But do not come back to me when you need someone to be bored with. Because as much as i love being bored with you and going to the museum on drizzly days and laying on your couch making fun of outrageous reality tv shows, and kissing for no reason at all.  I don't want sometimes. I want all the time. I want you to wonder about me. Care how I am doing. Not just because it's Christmas Eve. But because you want to know how my little brothers are, or what my mom is cooking for dinner, or how lunch with my dad went yesterday. You don't have to come bring me ice cream and movies when I'm stuck on the couch after foot surgery, but if you were smart you would.  I'm not mad that you didn't, I'm just frustrated with myself for thinking you would. It's a good thing I know how to be sad, because you sure bring a lot of it on me.  So forgiven, sure. Forgotten? Hopefully one of these days. Ever again? That's a whole other mountain you're dealing with, and let me tell you if you're even going to deal with it at all, you'd better build it, climb it, then name it after me.

Fuck you. And your pretty little life that's too good at the moment to want to be part of mine.

It's a sweet email. And a good apology if I've ever seen one. I didn't know what to make of it last night, when I first read it. Now, after getting my mind off it for a full day, I'm reading it again and I don't think there is anything to "make" of it. It's communication. What I've been asking for the whole time. 

And I get it, all of it. 

I'm not sure why, being that it is basically an "I don't want to be with you" letter from a boy to a girl who decided she wanted to be with him.  But since the girl, as pointed out near the second half of the second paragraph, decided she didn't want to be with him a few years before, I suppose it is not the girl's turn to decide this time. So that's that, once again. 

Love came, Love saw, Love did not conquer. At least not this time 'round. 

a smoothie I made

-carton of raspberries for antioxidants

-cup of Oikos peach yogurt for pro-bacteria 

-Whole Fruits mango popsicle for sweet (brought to me with luv by my 1-n-only)

-Splash or two of Simply orange with mango for some kick 

-banana for smooth-

-ice for -ie

delicioso!