Ugh that last post is obnoxious
"I think I got left behind somewhere... you know... because I am a romantic..." -Grace of Vogue on succeeding in the corporate world. from The September Issue
I think this is SO TRUE. I didn't think about relationships at all today. (okay no, but for the most part. Really.) They seem so unimportant when you're trying to be out doing things, being somebody. I decided I don't need anybody to share it with. I feel like I deserve feeling all the excitement of achievement myself. I got a huge raise today and have never felt so independent. I realized I've been saving like a grandma and I'm so excited about being on my own. I also made a living arrangement for next year in a house on Hillsborough with a bunch of girls I like. On da ball taday. Also, I was walking on the sidewalk in the pouring rain with nothing but a light rain jacket, coffee in hand when a car drove by and sprayed me with muddy street water. Yeah, that actually happened. I was embarrassed but a cute guy walking my way laughed and said, "look at you, you don't even care a bit."
hahaa.. aah ..
haha
Wednesday
Pink sunglasses
Do you want to know why I broke your pink sunglasses? I've thought of it from time to time, especially when I see the little glasses tool case I bought at Walgreen's later that day. And I always think, gosh what an immature thing to do. What a stupid way to lose control of your anger. Now, temper tantrum aside, I think I've finally uncovered why. You loved those pink sunglasses, they were so precious to you, and I knew that. Hell, the football coach knew that. I broke them in that moment of rage because I thought for some reason that'd make you finally feel what it was like to have something you loved so much be broken right in front of your face.
Our trust meant more than the world to me. I was so proud and protective of the trust we had in each other, I did everything I could all along to keep it safe-- Even at the times it got so close to disappearing. It was so precious to me. and you broke it. right in front of my face.
You have new pink sunglasses now. In fact, you got them back pretty soon after. At first it wasn't the same because all I could manage were some scratched up lenses put back together with your old pink sides. Then you got brand new ones that, save for the greek letters branded on one side, are good as new. You can put them on when it gets sunny. You can be happy about your precious pink sunglasses.
Me, I'm still waiting. When it's sunny, I have to hold my breath hoping that I'll get my pink sunglasses back soon, too. They're still scratched up dammit, but it's already getting easier; to be honest it has been for a few weeks now. Thanks to you and how careful you've been at helping me find a new pair of pink sunglasses. Look at me thanking you.
I think the fact that I know pretty soon here I'll finally have brand new pink sunglasses has made me see everything much more clearly. The soggy emotional weight of it all is finally gone, and I feel like I'm able to see everything from a reasonable perspective.
I'm sorry it's taking so long. I'm blaming it on my parents. How they've broken my trust in Love in the past few months. How it has contributed to the transformation of me into the most distrusting,insecure person in the world. How somehow in the beginning of it all last spring it made me the kind of girl who affected the girlfriend I've learned to hate so much to be. Look at me apologizing to you.
A wellness psychologist told me this over the summer, and it's stuck with me because it makes so much sense to me, makes me feel like I'm not the only thing declaring war on my life. A few months ago, everything I had known to be true for so long, became untrue. With my parents' separation, the fallout with my boyfriend, the move out of my house into a dorm, I had lost the source of the only true love I had ever known, lost the trust I had built with another person, and I had been removed from the stability of the place to which I came home for the past ten years. "That, dear, is enough to lead you to trust no one but yourself. But you cannot let it get in the way of your other relationships, because it will destroy them."
This break is so I can try to get back the girl I was before. I'm kind of hoping all my trust in the world will build back up like how a starfish grows back its arm when it gets chopped off. Maybe once I'm whole again, I can be with you. Maybe then we can trust each other and be whole again, too. As much as I feel more "me" than ever doing this break, in a way, I feel like a team doing it. The old me would choke on doubt, would say you're doing it because you don't care enough to fight back to keep us together.
The new me is saying you're in this, too. And I love you for that.
Our trust meant more than the world to me. I was so proud and protective of the trust we had in each other, I did everything I could all along to keep it safe-- Even at the times it got so close to disappearing. It was so precious to me. and you broke it. right in front of my face.
You have new pink sunglasses now. In fact, you got them back pretty soon after. At first it wasn't the same because all I could manage were some scratched up lenses put back together with your old pink sides. Then you got brand new ones that, save for the greek letters branded on one side, are good as new. You can put them on when it gets sunny. You can be happy about your precious pink sunglasses.
Me, I'm still waiting. When it's sunny, I have to hold my breath hoping that I'll get my pink sunglasses back soon, too. They're still scratched up dammit, but it's already getting easier; to be honest it has been for a few weeks now. Thanks to you and how careful you've been at helping me find a new pair of pink sunglasses. Look at me thanking you.
I think the fact that I know pretty soon here I'll finally have brand new pink sunglasses has made me see everything much more clearly. The soggy emotional weight of it all is finally gone, and I feel like I'm able to see everything from a reasonable perspective.
I'm sorry it's taking so long. I'm blaming it on my parents. How they've broken my trust in Love in the past few months. How it has contributed to the transformation of me into the most distrusting,insecure person in the world. How somehow in the beginning of it all last spring it made me the kind of girl who affected the girlfriend I've learned to hate so much to be. Look at me apologizing to you.
A wellness psychologist told me this over the summer, and it's stuck with me because it makes so much sense to me, makes me feel like I'm not the only thing declaring war on my life. A few months ago, everything I had known to be true for so long, became untrue. With my parents' separation, the fallout with my boyfriend, the move out of my house into a dorm, I had lost the source of the only true love I had ever known, lost the trust I had built with another person, and I had been removed from the stability of the place to which I came home for the past ten years. "That, dear, is enough to lead you to trust no one but yourself. But you cannot let it get in the way of your other relationships, because it will destroy them."
This break is so I can try to get back the girl I was before. I'm kind of hoping all my trust in the world will build back up like how a starfish grows back its arm when it gets chopped off. Maybe once I'm whole again, I can be with you. Maybe then we can trust each other and be whole again, too. As much as I feel more "me" than ever doing this break, in a way, I feel like a team doing it. The old me would choke on doubt, would say you're doing it because you don't care enough to fight back to keep us together.
The new me is saying you're in this, too. And I love you for that.
I'm high on coffee.
I'm sitting at my new desk in the new lab with my new blackberry and i just got off the new elevator that talks to you like you're somethin important and when you get off it and look around you feel like you're ready to go change the world.
i love my job.
and I'm glad I'm a person and not little glass vial.
I'm sitting at my new desk in the new lab with my new blackberry and i just got off the new elevator that talks to you like you're somethin important and when you get off it and look around you feel like you're ready to go change the world.
i love my job.
and I'm glad I'm a person and not little glass vial.
Tuesday
I wrote this in an email to you then decided not to send it and posted it to my blog instead
I was at Trader Joe's today and when I was looking at the fruit, I saw they sold "baby grapes." I immediately thought of you because we would laugh at them and think they were so cute, then decide they were much too expensive to buy. I bought them anyway and ate half the bag tonight.
Jason Mraz says Go your Own way- I'm going to Starbucks
Classes are a great distraction from the stress of my life. That's ironic. Teachers' office hours and meetings with other students have become welcomed obligations that make getting through the day that much more manageable. Bam bam bam get it all done, you got work after this, no time to stop and wallow in your sadness. However, getting off work has become the part of my day I dread the most. It's when my cascading schedule of a day comes to a diluted stop and I realize I have nothing left to do, nowhere left I said I'd be. This is when being the cliche "liberal arts college student" kicks in and I'm supposed to go hole up in the library or set up at a desk and read, study, read some more, and get smart. How the hell am I supposed to do that when my problems are relentlessly demanding my undivided attention? (I've actually never understood the term undivided attention).
I think a normal person would embrace this "(not) free" time...I mean this is it. This is when I really get to fit into the role of a college student that I came here to be. Ugh. I don't like that for the next four hours until dinner (the next fixed schedulized event) I have to be sedentar-ily productive. For my mind that means time-- to wander, persuade, play games with me. All of which I've done a pretty decent job defeating so far today. Now I have to have the discipline to focus on schoolwork and just schoolwork. It should be easy by this point after mindlessly getting through the day already. I had all that strength all day to block out my worries. Now only to stop, take a seat, and get %*!& done. Seriously, it needs to actually get done. That terrifies me.
So today after getting off work I was not going to put up with the self-torturing emptiness of the afternoon again, decided I would be extra unique and... go to Starbucks! For some reason, a rush of refreshing joy and confidence overcame me. Why? I don't know. It's not THAT cool. Starbucks probably even comes in second to the Library in cliche-college-student-ness. But at Starbucks I can feel like I'm doing something --drinking caffeine and getting chocolate wasted off java chip frappuccinos-- while still studying and doing the things I'm supposed to be doing as a student during this "(not)free time." It's distracting in that I can be around other people, but at the same time coffee shops are held to some sort of studious standard that makes it possible to be productive. This afternoon: Success.
So, I realized i don't have to be lonely and quiet in the library to take advantage of study-time. I don't have to give in to the head-games my mind is dying to get me to submit to. I can continue my on-the-go day even if it means sitting down and opening a textbook. And even better, I can be ready for tomorrow because I was able to conquer today.
I'm building a trust in myself. Next time I tell myself that it's going to be okay, I'll believe it. Because today I got to see how.
I think a normal person would embrace this "(not) free" time...I mean this is it. This is when I really get to fit into the role of a college student that I came here to be. Ugh. I don't like that for the next four hours until dinner (the next fixed schedulized event) I have to be sedentar-ily productive. For my mind that means time-- to wander, persuade, play games with me. All of which I've done a pretty decent job defeating so far today. Now I have to have the discipline to focus on schoolwork and just schoolwork. It should be easy by this point after mindlessly getting through the day already. I had all that strength all day to block out my worries. Now only to stop, take a seat, and get %*!& done. Seriously, it needs to actually get done. That terrifies me.
So today after getting off work I was not going to put up with the self-torturing emptiness of the afternoon again, decided I would be extra unique and... go to Starbucks! For some reason, a rush of refreshing joy and confidence overcame me. Why? I don't know. It's not THAT cool. Starbucks probably even comes in second to the Library in cliche-college-student-ness. But at Starbucks I can feel like I'm doing something --drinking caffeine and getting chocolate wasted off java chip frappuccinos-- while still studying and doing the things I'm supposed to be doing as a student during this "(not)free time." It's distracting in that I can be around other people, but at the same time coffee shops are held to some sort of studious standard that makes it possible to be productive. This afternoon: Success.
So, I realized i don't have to be lonely and quiet in the library to take advantage of study-time. I don't have to give in to the head-games my mind is dying to get me to submit to. I can continue my on-the-go day even if it means sitting down and opening a textbook. And even better, I can be ready for tomorrow because I was able to conquer today.
I'm building a trust in myself. Next time I tell myself that it's going to be okay, I'll believe it. Because today I got to see how.
Monday
the way train puts words together
..has got to make you smile.
i know i just posted a video, but seriously, this is the most beautiful mash-up of words i've heard in a while.
i know i just posted a video, but seriously, this is the most beautiful mash-up of words i've heard in a while.
I'm taking a break
I'm blocking out the doubt, the insecurity, the weakness, the drama. I'm turning off the faucet of these things that has been filling up my life to the brim. And that's exactly how it felt: like i was drowning. I left myself treading in the suffocating mess of my life gasping, literally, for a breath, as the shell of me went about my life ignoring. Ignoring the frustration, the dissatisfaction, the emptiness. Don't think about it, do your homework. Stop!You'rethinkingaboutit, Quick!turn on the tv,check your email, paint your nails! I think I've given my nails 6 manicures in the past 3 weeks. But ignoring it all is easy when you can pretend. Pretend nothing is wrong. Pretend you're happy. Pretend you're confident. Your hair looks so good today, how can your life be falling to pieces? And I wasn't all that bad at it until I came to the gut-flooring realization that well, yea, my life has become a total stage. What'd you expect. No, when you wake up tomorrow morning, it won't be a new day. It will be another heavy turn of the dizzying merry-go-round that is your life. And you're doing everything you can not to throw up over the side.
I caught a glance of myself in the semi-reflective glass cupboard in our new lab the other day and I couldn't recognize my face. Who was that? Her eyes were perfectly smudged with her favorite Sephora eyeliner and her mouth was still curved from the laugh she just shared with the grad student in the lab. But her pupils were dull and her smile painfully retreating to a stoic stare.
I miss the girl with laughing eyes and relaxed posture. I miss catching a glance of the happiness that girl's face so effortlessly communicated, a quick peek into her confidence she guarded like a little brother. Where did she go? Why did she go?
I'm going to look for her. I'm going to do it by myself. So that when I find her, I can keep her and she can be all mine. I'm never going to let her go again.
Thursday
Go ahead, throw a cardigan over your wedding dress.
This girl is spunky and practical. And my favorite part is the way her husband looks at her.
http://www.glamour.com/weddings/blogs/save-the-date/2010/05/i-love-this-wearing-a-cardigan.html
http://www.glamour.com/weddings/blogs/save-the-date/2010/05/i-love-this-wearing-a-cardigan.html
Sunday
From Blairsings on tumblr
Desperate for normalcy
Over the last week, everything has been cloaked in a veil of sadness. Nothing seems as bright, as funny, the world doesn’t feel as full of hope. I’ve been through hard times before. This isn’t new. I can see the trajectory of my grief and sadness. I do know that time has a way of healing wounds. Right now, though, it’s hard. I can’t think of a better adjective. Yesterday was a gorgeous day. Not a cloud in the sky. My neighborhood was bustling with parents pushing strollers, kids running around in the park down the street, neighbors walking dogs, college kids eating frozen yogurt as they walk down the street. The season was just noticeably shifting into fall.
interactive-studying for class
THEY DID THIS all over Redondo Beach when we lived there a good while ago and I thought it was so regional. and then I recently started seeing them do it in durham/chapel hill area for pizza places, neighborhoods, etc. Took that long for promotional strategies to reach the east coast?
"Or, consider the growing use of human directionals, which is what the advertising industry calls people who twirl signs outside restaurants, barbershops, and new real estate subdivisions. Southern California in particular has become a mecca for this new “sport” as locals cook up new moves to out-style their competitors. These include the Helicopter, in which a spinner does a backbend on one hand while he twirls a sign above his head. Then there’s the popular Spanking the Horse, where the human directional puts the advertising sign between his legs, slaps his own behind, and giddy-ups.[6]"
From my ad class e-text Launch! Advertising and Promotion in Real Time
"Or, consider the growing use of human directionals, which is what the advertising industry calls people who twirl signs outside restaurants, barbershops, and new real estate subdivisions. Southern California in particular has become a mecca for this new “sport” as locals cook up new moves to out-style their competitors. These include the Helicopter, in which a spinner does a backbend on one hand while he twirls a sign above his head. Then there’s the popular Spanking the Horse, where the human directional puts the advertising sign between his legs, slaps his own behind, and giddy-ups.[6]"
From my ad class e-text Launch! Advertising and Promotion in Real Time
Monday
GOSSIP GIRL TONIGHT
Photo credit: Giovanni Rufino/The CW
Sunday
9/12/10
"NFL Sunday"
I don't have a team. But I wish i did today. Everyone is so excited about the season and I love excitement. Who am i going to go for this season? My uncle always sent vikings shirts, so I could claim them. Or the Chargers since so cal is crib. Or Joe Montana is alright so I could say I'm a forty niner fan. I'll have to decide soon and update my NFL support status!
I don't have a team. But I wish i did today. Everyone is so excited about the season and I love excitement. Who am i going to go for this season? My uncle always sent vikings shirts, so I could claim them. Or the Chargers since so cal is crib. Or Joe Montana is alright so I could say I'm a forty niner fan. I'll have to decide soon and update my NFL support status!
love that is not madness is not love
i keep having to blink so i can see the computer screen through the blurriness that tears make.
Saturday
Try: Banana Split trail mix
i think it's nice when people make conversation in elevators. you both have different places to go and only a few seconds to meet, so it's not like you're going to be stuck talking to them forever. you're also both in a small box so avoiding eye contact takes more effort anyway. it's a very friendly thing to do.
Cady Groves
Yesterday was perfect.
and this song doesn't have anything to do with it, but I like it.
I liek eet a loht
Tuesday
Saturday
Smart people know best
“If you’ve just started a new job, internship or co-op job, do not cook popcorn in the company kitchen. You’ll never have enough to share and everyone will smell it and hate you. Plus, chances are you will burn it and everyone will hate you regardless. Either way, lose lose.”
“Never wear wooden flip flops when getting a pedicure. You will slip and slide all over the place on the walk home from the lotion they use and likely mess up the pedicure you just paid $30 for.”
"If you’re walking behind a slow walker, jingle your keys to give them a heads-up someone is behind them and about to pass them."
“Never wear wooden flip flops when getting a pedicure. You will slip and slide all over the place on the walk home from the lotion they use and likely mess up the pedicure you just paid $30 for.”
"If you’re walking behind a slow walker, jingle your keys to give them a heads-up someone is behind them and about to pass them."
Click this when you can't find your debit card.
“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you” — Friedrich Nietzsche
This is the I'm Wearing This Because It's October Now And Sometimes It's Too Chilly In The Morning To Walk Outside Without Something But Not Cold Enough To Wear The North Face jacket. (i know it's still September, but i hope that by October I'll have met Blake Lively and she'll have taken me shopping and bought me this.)
Thursday
Nonsense
Sometimes this picture means sadness. Today it means excitement. I'm excited and I hope it's not just my caffeine high. I feel like I did when six dolphins were following the research boat I was on. SIX. That was really exciting. I don't know what I'm excited for, I think maybe just dinner. I don't even know what I'm going to eat, but maybe I'm excited for the joy of food I'm about to experience. is that why they named that cookbook the Joy of Cooking..? I LOVE FOOD. It's definitely something to caps lock about. I had a huge slice of artichoke pizza yesterday from Artichoke and Basil and I haven't been that joyful while eating in a long time. *#%! was so good. Julia Roberts, I guess you could say I had a relationship with my pizza. I'm going to go back and get another slice soon. I've never qualified my love for food as such a passion before. Maybe I'm just starting to discover the good stuff. No I think I'm just starting to discover how to appreciate it. and how to forget the guilt of it. Looking at all the grease pooling up in my slice of artichoke pizza I just thought, "Eh, it's good for my skin."
Wednesday
Things I like about this semester
-morning classes. its hard waking up but I love mornings
-my spanish teacher. She's cool and dresses well. The first day she wore the gorgeous free people dress my own summer salary couldn't handle. and she always seems like she's in a good mood even though it's 8 in the morning.
-my art history class that doesn't meet on Fridays. [note: i don't like the fact that we have assigned seats. i liked that i moved on from second grade]
-the way the window by my bed catches the rays of the sunset around 6:30 and casts a dappled pattern of light on my bed. not to be sappy, but it's pretty!
-work. I've finally worked my way out of grunt work and now have my own desk. Was invited on the cruise this fall and even starting my own project soon! Day trips for field work to come, too!
-not being a freshman. There's so much to adjusting that you just can't realize until you've adjusted. and until I'm a senior i know i'll keep thinking this way.
-my sorority. in the words of one of Carolina's true frat stars: Cool bitches. (i've been trained to embrace the term "bitch" via WMST 101)
-Yofruut (sp?)- some frozen yogurt place on Franklin. Hated it at first but if you don't get green tea flavor it's pretty tasty. i just like any self-serve frozen yogurt place so i'm not sure how i feel about giving this place the credit. it's just the only place like it around. Mochi at UF is way better. or Tutti Frutti in Miami. Do they grow self-serve frozen yogurt in Florida or something?
-Krispy Kreme. This shouldn't be on the list but i think i've had at least one every day since it opened. yea that's pretty gross.
-My bike!! ha i've already gone on more bike rides than i ever rode it last year. such an obnoxious thing to do in chapel hill, but its really fun! especially in the mornings riding back from j's for an early class :)
-my spanish teacher. She's cool and dresses well. The first day she wore the gorgeous free people dress my own summer salary couldn't handle. and she always seems like she's in a good mood even though it's 8 in the morning.
-my art history class that doesn't meet on Fridays. [note: i don't like the fact that we have assigned seats. i liked that i moved on from second grade]
-the way the window by my bed catches the rays of the sunset around 6:30 and casts a dappled pattern of light on my bed. not to be sappy, but it's pretty!
-work. I've finally worked my way out of grunt work and now have my own desk. Was invited on the cruise this fall and even starting my own project soon! Day trips for field work to come, too!
-not being a freshman. There's so much to adjusting that you just can't realize until you've adjusted. and until I'm a senior i know i'll keep thinking this way.
-my sorority. in the words of one of Carolina's true frat stars: Cool bitches. (i've been trained to embrace the term "bitch" via WMST 101)
-Yofruut (sp?)- some frozen yogurt place on Franklin. Hated it at first but if you don't get green tea flavor it's pretty tasty. i just like any self-serve frozen yogurt place so i'm not sure how i feel about giving this place the credit. it's just the only place like it around. Mochi at UF is way better. or Tutti Frutti in Miami. Do they grow self-serve frozen yogurt in Florida or something?
-Krispy Kreme. This shouldn't be on the list but i think i've had at least one every day since it opened. yea that's pretty gross.
-My bike!! ha i've already gone on more bike rides than i ever rode it last year. such an obnoxious thing to do in chapel hill, but its really fun! especially in the mornings riding back from j's for an early class :)
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