Do you want to know why I broke your pink sunglasses? I've thought of it from time to time, especially when I see the little glasses tool case I bought at Walgreen's later that day. And I always think, gosh what an immature thing to do. What a stupid way to lose control of your anger. Now, temper tantrum aside, I think I've finally uncovered why. You loved those pink sunglasses, they were so precious to you, and I knew that. Hell, the football coach knew that. I broke them in that moment of rage because I thought for some reason that'd make you finally feel what it was like to have something you loved so much be broken right in front of your face.
Our trust meant more than the world to me. I was so proud and protective of the trust we had in each other, I did everything I could all along to keep it safe-- Even at the times it got so close to disappearing. It was so precious to me. and you broke it. right in front of my face.
You have new pink sunglasses now. In fact, you got them back pretty soon after. At first it wasn't the same because all I could manage were some scratched up lenses put back together with your old pink sides. Then you got brand new ones that, save for the greek letters branded on one side, are good as new. You can put them on when it gets sunny. You can be happy about your precious pink sunglasses.
Me, I'm still waiting. When it's sunny, I have to hold my breath hoping that I'll get my pink sunglasses back soon, too. They're still scratched up dammit, but it's already getting easier; to be honest it has been for a few weeks now. Thanks to you and how careful you've been at helping me find a new pair of pink sunglasses. Look at me thanking you.
I think the fact that I know pretty soon here I'll finally have brand new pink sunglasses has made me see everything much more clearly. The soggy emotional weight of it all is finally gone, and I feel like I'm able to see everything from a reasonable perspective.
I'm sorry it's taking so long. I'm blaming it on my parents. How they've broken my trust in Love in the past few months. How it has contributed to the transformation of me into the most distrusting,insecure person in the world. How somehow in the beginning of it all last spring it made me the kind of girl who affected the girlfriend I've learned to hate so much to be. Look at me apologizing to you.
A wellness psychologist told me this over the summer, and it's stuck with me because it makes so much sense to me, makes me feel like I'm not the only thing declaring war on my life. A few months ago, everything I had known to be true for so long, became untrue. With my parents' separation, the fallout with my boyfriend, the move out of my house into a dorm, I had lost the source of the only true love I had ever known, lost the trust I had built with another person, and I had been removed from the stability of the place to which I came home for the past ten years. "That, dear, is enough to lead you to trust no one but yourself. But you cannot let it get in the way of your other relationships, because it will destroy them."
This break is so I can try to get back the girl I was before. I'm kind of hoping all my trust in the world will build back up like how a starfish grows back its arm when it gets chopped off. Maybe once I'm whole again, I can be with you. Maybe then we can trust each other and be whole again, too. As much as I feel more "me" than ever doing this break, in a way, I feel like a team doing it. The old me would choke on doubt, would say you're doing it because you don't care enough to fight back to keep us together.
The new me is saying you're in this, too. And I love you for that.
