Desperate for normalcy
Over the last week, everything has been cloaked in a veil of sadness. Nothing seems as bright, as funny, the world doesn’t feel as full of hope. I’ve been through hard times before. This isn’t new. I can see the trajectory of my grief and sadness. I do know that time has a way of healing wounds. Right now, though, it’s hard. I can’t think of a better adjective. Yesterday was a gorgeous day. Not a cloud in the sky. My neighborhood was bustling with parents pushing strollers, kids running around in the park down the street, neighbors walking dogs, college kids eating frozen yogurt as they walk down the street. The season was just noticeably shifting into fall.I wanted so much to enjoy it. I wanted to put a blanket out on the grass at the nearby park and read a book. I wanted to insert myself into the beauty of the day and forget my troubles. But, when I came home yesterday from my trip out of town, I was confronted with the harsh reality yet again. I couldn’t go and put a blanket out on the grass and breathe in the changing air and act like nothing has changed. I gave myself this weekend to forget a little bit, but I can’t run from it forever.
I haven’t been able to really talk about it yet. Today a friend sent me a gchat and asked me, “What’s new?” and I told her I was starting my new job in a couple of weeks. I couldn’t bear to bring it up yet. Maybe it’s because saying it out loud or writing it to a friend makes it all the more real. I’m not ready to talk about it with most people yet. I tried already too soon. I told a friend what was going on via a text message and I told him very simply: “I wish this weren’t my reality”. He replied, “Well, it is, so you might as well do what you can to deal with it.” I immediately shut myself off. Tough love was the last thing I needed at that moment. It’s too fragile, too new. I feel angry at him for saying that, but I kept to myself, because I know I’m angry for so many other reasons.
I talk extensively about my life on here, I know. Matters of the family are more complicated and so for now I’m being purposefully vague. Right now I just feel desperate for a sense of normalcy. I want to get off work, go to the gym, cook dinner, and keep going about my life like nothing has changed. I want for things not to have changed. A couple of months ago I felt irritated that my life was so stagnant. “Nothing is going on, my life is so boring!” I complained. What a cruel way to learn the lesson that sometimes normal is all you could ask for, want, or need.
