Classes are a great distraction from the stress of my life. That's ironic. Teachers' office hours and meetings with other students have become welcomed obligations that make getting through the day that much more manageable. Bam bam bam get it all done, you got work after this, no time to stop and wallow in your sadness. However, getting off work has become the part of my day I dread the most. It's when my cascading schedule of a day comes to a diluted stop and I realize I have nothing left to do, nowhere left I said I'd be. This is when being the cliche "liberal arts college student" kicks in and I'm supposed to go hole up in the library or set up at a desk and read, study, read some more, and get smart. How the hell am I supposed to do that when my problems are relentlessly demanding my undivided attention? (I've actually never understood the term undivided attention).
I think a normal person would embrace this "(not) free" time...I mean this is it. This is when I really get to fit into the role of a college student that I came here to be. Ugh. I don't like that for the next four hours until dinner (the next fixed schedulized event) I have to be sedentar-ily productive. For my mind that means time-- to wander, persuade, play games with me. All of which I've done a pretty decent job defeating so far today. Now I have to have the discipline to focus on schoolwork and just schoolwork. It should be easy by this point after mindlessly getting through the day already. I had all that strength all day to block out my worries. Now only to stop, take a seat, and get %*!& done. Seriously, it needs to actually get done. That terrifies me.
So today after getting off work I was not going to put up with the self-torturing emptiness of the afternoon again, decided I would be extra unique and... go to Starbucks! For some reason, a rush of refreshing joy and confidence overcame me. Why? I don't know. It's not THAT cool. Starbucks probably even comes in second to the Library in cliche-college-student-ness. But at Starbucks I can feel like I'm doing something --drinking caffeine and getting chocolate wasted off java chip frappuccinos-- while still studying and doing the things I'm supposed to be doing as a student during this "(not)free time." It's distracting in that I can be around other people, but at the same time coffee shops are held to some sort of studious standard that makes it possible to be productive. This afternoon: Success.
So, I realized i don't have to be lonely and quiet in the library to take advantage of study-time. I don't have to give in to the head-games my mind is dying to get me to submit to. I can continue my on-the-go day even if it means sitting down and opening a textbook. And even better, I can be ready for tomorrow because I was able to conquer today.
I'm building a trust in myself. Next time I tell myself that it's going to be okay, I'll believe it. Because today I got to see how.
