I need to let my anger out somewhere. I can't let it out on a particular person, because I don't want to have anything to do with him. I can't let it out on anyone else, because I care about too many people too much. Letting it out at the pool only made it more clear that I need to let it out in words. Typed words. My favorite kind.
I am so angry. Not even at him. Or maybe. Mostly, I am angry about his immaturity. I am angry about his cowardliness. I am angry about his inability and refusal to communicate even in the slightest, possible way. I am angry he has no desire to. I am angry I gave him a second chance so easily. I am angry I wanted to. I am angry I told myself with no reservations that he was the one. When so clearly, so unbelievably plainly, he is not. Not even close.
On that note, I am okay. I am satisfied my anger has not consumed me. I am satisfied it has allowed me to see all of this. I am satisfied it has made me able to recognize qualities he lacks in other guys. Qualities that help me remember what it is about boys that I just can't get enough of. Like getting up during a commercial and freestyling a beatbox rap to me. Like wearing a snapback backwards just because I think it's adorable. Like bringing me an M&M McFlurry when I'm studying for no reason at all. Like yelling out to Franklin Street "I LOVE THIS GIRL" over and over again at 2 o clock in the morning when everyone is walking home from bars. It doesn't matter that it's not "true love" with another guy. Or that it's real or not or whatever. It matters that after this mess of the past couple months, it's still possible for me to look at a guy and laugh and hang on to that little reminder that that one guy was not the only guy in the world. That there is still the hope of finding someone else. That there is still the possibility of perfection.
I don't know if I'm ready to meet someone else. I don't think that's what I want right now. It's been so refreshing these past few weeks just focusing on me and treating me and flirting with me that I'm not sure I have anything right now to give anyone else.
So today, April 28, the day I was supposed to go to Triangle Beach Music Festival with the guy who checked out on my 21st birthday and pretended to give me tickets to it a week after but never actually did........ I will turn on my favorite music while I put on all the cool bracelets I have and go out and do Chapel Hill things like drink Sweetwater Blue and buy myself YOPO and spend too much money at Lightyears and watch a movie at the Varsity with a glass bottle of Coke.
And leave all the annoying anger swimming like snakes through my heart right here in this annoying little blog post because frankly, Franklin Street is too damn pretty for it.
