Things to do when lying on the couch for three days: google T Swift and Blake and read/watch everything about them that ever existed

"There are two ways you can get through pain.  

You can let it destroy you, 

or you can use it as fuel to drive you: 

to dream bigger, work harder."

“People can feel more alone in a relationship than when they’re single 

if they abandon who they are.”

Blake

Well I am sitting here all scrubbed down in pre-op soap just under 12 hours before my second final foot surgery.  Nerves are jumping all up around the inside of my body. But it doesn't feel like they're for my surgery. They feel like they're for B having dropped me like a hot potato just 2 days ago. I say "just" because I can't believe it has only been 2 days. Life without B for 2 days is similar to what going 2 weeks without water feels like.

My stomach hurts all day like it did the last time my heart broke. All too familiar. Throat all swelled up. Heavy chest. It's so physical. And I find it so interesting. So interesting that instead of letting it swallow me whole like the last time my heart broke, I find myself concentrating so that my mind is outside my body and I breathe just so I can feel the physical-ness of it. It's like loss. Or grief. Or failure, or fear, or a combination of everything.  It is really something, the way my mind and my body play out these extravagant demonstrations of emotion.

Then I realized- I tend to a deeply passionate, sensitive, highly reactive way of life. Everyday, I feel inspiration, movement, devastation.  It's dramatic, it really is.  But I am not sure that I can help it.  And so I am not sure that I can ever learn to harden my shell the next time something comes crashing down. For some reason I let it hit, erupt into flames, and burn until I don't feel the burn anymore. I don't know why I do that.  Again, I don't think I can help it.  I often wish I didn't welcome it so freely.  But my mind and body absorb emotion like a sponge. And as a result, when one thing doesn't go my way, I break into pieces inside.

Here's why it matters that I realized this- I can still be strong. I can still be in control.  I can still experience my emotions without allowing them to invade my life like a quick-spreading virus. I think that by growing up, you have a responsibility to the life you're building.  You have to care about the part that's already built, even if it feels like it has crumbled down to the foundation.  Like, a house might not have been fun to build at times, but it can still be fun to live in.  And as long as you remember how to breathe, and also how to laugh, I  think life will be okay.  So as awful as rejection by my first and nearly life-long love is, I owe it to the life I've been building not to forget how much fun the other parts are.

It is break, yes finally, and the only reason I know it's Monday is because I woke up at 11:30 to a silent house. I mean like, so silent I could hear wildlife in my backyard.  This means it's Monday because everyone must be at school, or work, or school. (Mom's a teacher).  So, after a little bit of letting the the over-night warmth that stays under your covers sink into my skin, I got up, made some passionfruit mango tea, let the bunnies out, watched the movie the boys were watching last night that was still in the dvd player, and ate one or two bowls of cereal.

Now that the movie is over, I'm going to work on my mom's Christmas present. I am taking her two cluttered boxes of recipes and organizing them in a cute, easy-to-navigate book. I'm using all the original recipe cards and making tabs for desserts, dinners, and, yea. Desserts and dinners.  She's not really a cook cook, but for us girls who aren't really cook cooks, it makes it that much easier when you can find the recipe you're looking for without unfolding thirty index cards looking for what your looking for. Even if it's the same recipe you use twice a week. Which is melt-in-your-mouth chicken tetrazzini. What. We like melt-in-your-mouth chicken tetrazzini.

The movie I watched. So funny. 

Tea

Finals. For like 10 days I find that my hair is always in a greasy ponytail, my hands are dry from not moisturizing, I'm either too full or too hungry, my eyebrows aren't groomed, my eyes burn from refusing to sleep and I start to get sick towards day 7 or 8. I decided to put this go-to list together mainly for my own reference, but it's also pretty useful for people who like tea. And lately, I'm one of those people. 1, because I tend to look to food/drinks/edible delicious things to put into my mouth when I have any or all of the below problems. And also because all this complaining-about-shit habit needs to go.

So!

If you're...

-stressed out
-about to go to bed
-angry
Try: Chamomile tea

-tired
-trying to lost weight
-feeling sick
Try: Green tea

-feeling sluggish
-have a stomachache
Try: Chai tea

-trying to burn fat
-breaking out
Try: Oolong tea

-headache
-sore
Try: Peppermint tea



and a little music therapy never hurt. 


Happy studying! 

happy

I'm not ready for my test. But I'm happy today so for some reason I'm not stressing about it.

Here's a glimpse into what it's like when a non-science girl studies science:

Textbook:

Flotation Mechanisms of Diatoms and other flagellates: 
1. Reduce density (lipids, mucus, ion regulation, gas vacuoles)
2. Decrease size
3. Form resistance (non-spherical shape)
4. Physical transport

Shan: 

How to Float:
1. Get skinny
2. Get smaller
3. Spread arms out
4. Swim!

Me vs. College

It is gloomy. The sky is whiteish gray. It's like 70 degress. I am so tired! And yet, I don't have time to sleep. Until next Thursday. So hopefully by some religion/magic/loud music I will survive. Right now "Better Off Running" by Cris Cab is blasting into my eardrums.  Because I don't know how else I am going to stay awake through the next hour-and-fifteen minute class that will conclude my scheduled part of the day if my ears aren't ringing me awake.  I do have a little packet of strawberry flavored caffeine I'm saving for the minute class starts.  It makes my throat feel weird and my stomach kind of hurt. But it tastes like strawberries, after all. Aside from that, I'm banking on my peace with my God and all those around me to stay awake. (haha). As well as my imagination that will take me to places involving Cris Cab and sunshine.  

" I get a lot of douchebags, a phrase that I never understand but somehow applies to this scenario. The non-callers, the guys obsessed more with themselves than I can stomach, the guys who are still getting over their exes, the ones who ‘don’t like labels.’ I don’t blame them, I find them and seek them out because I still crave the aloneness, I am still not ready to let go of the hope of somebody lovely. I have not yet found somebody better than that hope. "

I like the way this is going

1. I really like the new Blogger layout

I had so much fun yesterday. I think it was because I didn't really expect for the day to be particularly good or bad, so I ended up with a nice ride. I could tell you that I had honey bunches of oats for breakfast or that I had all my homework done for class (woah), but then I'd be like, skipping the really fun part. Ooh yes the part when I'm done with work and classes and running for the day and my curly blonde boy comes over to visit. We talked on my floor and ate cold pizza and went to the Varsity for a late movie and held hands the whole time.  But not like boring hold hands like half hold hands kind of like if our hands were little birds that play with each other and make out a lot. Can birds make out? Idk, but I like holding his hand. And he looked soo good in his jeans. Always gets me. He went back around midnight and I fell right into bed and fell asleep. And woke up to a text from him from an hour after he left the night before.

"Love you"

Things we're going to do over break

This has been my jam today, so play this baby for some good lyrics and good guitar melody. 

Paint Candy-cane nails 

Make bow-back t shirts and wear them with ponytails around Cary.

Buy chunky sweaters from Goodwill and chop off the sleeves. 

Then wear them with boots and pretend they're leg warmers. 

Make pretty bracelets? 

I haven't been wearing any lately and I miss having wrists full of them. 

MISS YOU CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YAAA

Face down

My face has been having a hard time lately, and since my dermatologist creams have seemed to be having reverse effects, I've been avoiding doing anything and just washing my face with steaming water and sensitive-skin soap, then smothering my face in moisturizer and makeup everyday.  We have good days. But then we have bad days. So here are some non-$60 treatments I might try.

For this one you need flavor-less gelatin and milk. I guess it works the same as a Biore pore strip. Which I've never tried. Because they do indeed go for out of my college-girl budget.
http://petitelefant.com/how-to-pore-strips/

I was attracted to this one because it has 15 (a lot) simple, straightforward things to do with food you have lying around. Ok jokes- there's nothing more than some stale pretzels lying around my pantry. Going to need to hit up the HT for these. 15 and 13 sound good for my face.
http://inspiringpretty.com/2011/02/25/15-natural-beauty-recipes-using-everyday-foods/

How you want it to be, sittin' by the waterfront. I should be driftin, far enough to reach the shore. It's a clear view, don't you underestimate me. No more flavor, I know that I can live without it

I ditched my regular route today and ran loops around Alderman community because it smelled like warm waffle cones. Yum I didn't want to stop smelling it. I ran for an hour, which, at my pace, is like, 6 miles, but I'm pretty sure I was going pretty slow again.  Gettin good feelings in this beautiful Indian summer weather we're having.  Wearing a big chunky brown Target sweater today and I'm soo comfortable because the sleeves are soo looong! yumm #bestthings.
Here's to:
All that up there,
Watching the football game at the bar tonight,
Working the UNC diving meet tomorrow at 6 a.m. for the littlest bro because he needs me to and I just adore my lil baby bo so much!
Delta sig parent's cocktail tomorrow night with B (yaaayy needa dress! File under: times I wish I were actually friends with Blake Lively that don't count as all the other times.)
Eve Carson 5K Saturday morning (IT'S HERE Finally I'm so excited)
(Which means I had to say no to Sig Ep mountain weekend this weekend.... damn. But I won't pout about it.)
State football game Saturday afternoon with B's parents. -His stepdad got me a ticket (!!! So nice!) -
Working my ass off this week and finally, after seeing it in perspective, proud and happy for myself. Don't give up Shan!
Ha i'm so lame.
Ooooh and payday tomorrow, need it.

After a less than blissful day, I am going to sleep happy. How does that happen? I really don't know the psychological reasoning behind this anomaly but I could give you my best guess:
Ah i keep erasing I can't even explain it. Just a good friend and a good 2 hours of laughing. There. explained.  Thanks A.

when advil isn't working

Yesterday was fun. Productive, calm, enjoyable, happy. Weather was beautiful for my run. Went for a whole hour running slowly and it felt so good. But I've never been as tired and discouraged as I am today. My throat is hot and my mouth tastes bad. My whole body aches and my head is pounding. I definitely have a fever. I'm tired of girls who think the world is out to get them. I'm tired of people who are too insecure for confrontations. And of people who don't know how to express themselves without being a royal bitch. I'm tired of girls that think they're better than other girls.  I'm tired of sticking up for the girls who don't know how to stick up for themselves.  I'm tired of being friends with people no one else likes. I'm tired of girls talking behind my back. I'm tired of knowing it and not saying anything about it. I'm tired of wondering what is so wrong with me that girls don't like me. I'm tired of getting so sensitive about it.  And tired of not doing anything about it. I miss my scattered, colorful room. I can't stand bare desk tops and a floor without all my shoes laid out all over it.  I miss mashing all my clothes together into my drawers. I miss my mom doing my laundry for me. I miss being able to put things on my wall without getting made fun of. I sound like a third grader. But it's probably because I feel like one.

"The less confident you are, the more serious you have to act." 

-Tara Ploughman

Ojai, California and My Morning Jacket

I haven't been here in so long! 

So that was NOT the song i was thinking of. I couldn't listen to it at the time because I didn't bring my headphones and i was in a quiet place. So wrong guess there. 

And I couldn't find the My morning jacket song I wanted. So now you get a lil Coconut Records. 

Does go nicely with the Ojai/west coast theme, i must say. 

I want to share this new artist I found. I mean she's not new but I just found her. Her name's Sandy Wolk, and I can't find out anything about her online, but somehow feel like I know her already so well. Just through her sculpture. This one's called Coming home to myself: I like it because a lot of similar sculptors do this style but make one called "lovers" or "lovers' embrace" or "man and wife." 

This one is just her. Whoever she is. This piece captures what it feels like when you "come home to yourself." That feeling when you're in total acceptance and love with yourself. Not in a narcissistic way. In a gratefulness way. Like in that moment, you're grateful for everything. I love feeling like that.

I also like this one, by Richard Matzkin. He does a lot of stuff with aging and naturalism.

"I have an endless fascination for the human figure; the beauty and grace of its form and the power of its gesture to evoke response. I am interested in the provocation of gesture as it relates to the paradox and contradictions of what it means to be human and the challenge of finding visual forms to hold emotion and the narrative of experience. There is a universal quality in the image of the human figure, part of the thread of humanity that we recognize and makes us feel less alone." -Patricia Post, Santa Barbara Studio Artists

I found these guys at Ojai Studio Artists dot org. 

Can't hurt

Found this from that fall.. These frustrating days seem so trivial compared to those, 

but I figure re-visiting this little list can't hurt.

drink coffee. haha definitely will work for C and me.

Ever had that feeling like you're standing there and you can't really see anything, just the blurry shapes and then all the fog clears up?
Or like you've been sitting in a cold classroom and you walk outside in the sun and it feels so good on your skin?
Or like after you've been cleaning your room forever and organizing every drawer, and you finally finish and sit on your bed you just made and look around for a second.

Changing my major... Relief. 

That's kind of how I feel right now. I feel like I'm finally here. I feel the fit. The drive. The satisfaction of knowing it's right. I don't care that it's taken me 2 and a half years to get here. It's like it doesn't matter because everything for now is so clear to me, I don't need to rely on anyone else's opinions to move forward.

It's like it's my own road and all the speed bumps and distracting billboards are behind me.

Sweat it all out

Now I'm no track team girl, but my little nightly 3 milers make me feel like one sometimes. 

Only when I wear matching Nike dry-fit things from Dicks, though. 

Which is about once a week because I only have two. 

So this is for you, Day. 

While I sit here after my run and drink the milkshake I got because you were so annoying.  

Ok day you, win. Good God, I want a milkshake for that one.

This morning started as, there must be a God, and he's gracing me with his miraculous ways.  By about 6 p.m., it was all, if there is a God, he's out to get me, wtf did I do to deserve this one. This one? no. This too-many-to-count because this whole day ultimately feels like a disgusting bowl of chili that's too cold to eat so it just sits in the bowl because no one wants it and gets crunchy around the edges. I don't even  know how it's possible to feel like that specific thing, but it's pretty much how I feel right now. Halloween last night. Reluctantly went out. Woke up in my bed in nurse scrubs the next morning without a wallet and keys. Tore my room apart looking for them. Gave up, disgustedly accepted I would be making my rounds to various strangers' apartments/frat houses as a one-man girl search-party in desperation for a tiny wallet with MY KEYS attached to it. Car keys are expensive. On my way to work decide I need some water so I stop by my sorority house for one. On my way out with my water, see my wallet and MY KEYS sitting on the coffee table. It wasn't real life. But I was glad it was. That was the only good thing that happened. Everything else was so bad I actually found myself crying in public. One of those times you wish you had a box to put over your head . Or at least a  reason to be crying. I am so embarrassing. Mood swings? I dont know. I never understood those anyways. Maybe I'm seasonally depressed. I do dread the cold weather. And sweaters are itchy to me and I have too many of them to fit in my closet and it annoys me. Also in the winter I wake up with a crack in my lips because they get so chapped and it hurts for the rest of the day. Seasonally depressed. Sure, yeah, that. Depression sounds a little melo-dramatic. Who knows. Now I'm sitting here actually looking forward to my three-hour 8 a.m. tomorrow morning. Ugh so excited my head hurts. Probably because tomorrow is something besides today. Or because my teacher's cute. Yeah, that. Bring it, Wednesday. I am probably so not ready for you, but I will pretend like I am for now.

-____-

I have a test in about 24 hours that I have barely started studying for. Like barely. And now that I'm sitting down here, notes open, I don't like it. BORED. CAN'T FOCUS. WHAT TO DO. BLOG!

I'm really angry that these girls in my media law class got a copy of the test beforehand and got 99s. Pretty sure that's cheating, so annoying.

Also in media law as me and Ralph Lauren were looking at shoes online, I uninhibitantly (sp?/word?) said: "Target fake leather boots look so cheap. *smh*"  And of course girl in front of me kicks up her leg and says, "these are Target boots"

....................

-_____________-
Never speaking again. I am so embarrassing.
1. Not 2 weeks ago, I wrote on my list of things to buy at target: $39.99 brown boots.
2. I do actually like them. A lot.
3. Hers did not look that fake.
4. Ok I mean they did. But who wears Fendi leather to class on campus?
5. Why am  do I act like such a clothing snob? We all know I'm 99% Target and Clearance rack TJ Maxx 99% of the time. (..1% for my precious BCBG gems).

File this shit under who the hell do you think you are, stop being rude and careless.

live by this

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. 
-emerson


success is the ability to go from one failure to the next with no loss of enthusiasm.


Fall down seven times.
Stand up eight.


Let whatever you do today be enough.

Get over your hill, and see what you find there.
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Dom

Hilarious as he is, I don't care what Dom says.

 I like being single because I can look at pictures like this and pretend he's mine. 

If I weren't single, I'd be with someone less attractive and probably less fun. 

I like the uncertainty. 

I like the hope. 

I like the possibility of perfect.

hot men

nothin like it

Look out at the Sea, there's your whole life

HEllo Hello! Back from IMS and getting back on the study grind. But I wouldn't just hit the books without leaving you a little view into what my little marine science adventure was all about. Because I KNOW you're all just on the edge of your seats waiting for answers- "What did you do?!" "Where did you go?!" "Did you see any dolphins?!" Ok i won't leave you waiting.YES GOOD BEAUTIFUL LORD OF THE HIGHEST I SAW DOLPHINS!!

Here's what it was like. One of the guys on the trip came running (or as fast staggering-walking as you can do on a ship moving 40 mph) to me sitting on the back deck of the boat and said, "SHANNON. DOLPHINS. COME NOW." Which is when I sprung from the industrial cooler I had made into a seat and bounded to the bow (front of the boat) and leaned back with my arms up screaming "WOO HAHAHOOHOO HELLOOO DOLPHINS I'M HERE AND I LIKE YOU GUYS A LOT." And everyone else on the boat followed to come see what the commotion was about. And I yelled up to Captain Joe (yes, his name is really Captain Joe) to slow down. And he did, so we got to watch my favorite underwater loves play until they flipped and splashed away. But not away. They then found our wake and started following in it. Which is my favorite thing ever. Seriously. It's great. Like magic. Ok here are some other pictures. Didn't get pics of the dolphins because.. just no. But did you like that? Think this is a pretty good description of how it went down.

My "team" -we were the Grouper Troopers- collecting bottom water samples

Marc pouring the Rhodenine B dye into the water off the back deck. 

Dye dispersing. We did this to measure the diffusion rates of the water in the estuary at this station. 

You can see the little eddys forming in different areas in the dye.

They happen longitudinally, laterally, and depth-wise. 

That's my smart talk for- 3D.

Aka, lots of mixing. 

This is what the dye looks like after about 12 minutes. 

We stop tracking it once it diffuses completely. 

Here is some sediment. 

Sticky, Silky, black. Light sulfur smell. 

Pretty much no oxygen in this stuff.

Make great face masks for soft skin. 

Yes, we really smeared this all over our faces. 

And other parts of our bodies. 

Like legs.

Here we are lowering the YSI instrument into the water at different depths.

 I was holding the end of the cord that has a little computer that measures stuff like 

Salinity

temperature

 depth

Dissolved Oxygen

chlorophyll

at the different depths.  

And then we record. In our Grouper Trooper booklet.

This is what 10 grand looks like. 

Behold, the YSI.

Marc likes pointing out the tea-colored water in our wake. 

The humic acids make it that color. 

And you can't drink water with humic acids in it. 

Which makes determining humic acid presence in our water extremely important to knowing just exactly how to treat and how much to disinfect it before it's okay to drink. 

Great trip! The parts that weren't so sciency, well, I don't have any pictures. 

But if you can imagine what a night before a cruise, group of college kids restless from a long car snatcher-van drive, our own waterfront cottage, 2 cases of beer, a big back porch and a lot of getting to know eachother would look like...

That's what it looked like. 

 Manteo and Kitty Hawk Thursday. Can't wait. 

You think I'm pretty and I like the way you talk. You like my music and I like the way you walk.

Okay so I can't stop listening to this song. And I'm about to watch Dexter and stay up too late and regret it tomorrow morning. But. It's not tomorrow morning yet. Live Like Shan #345: Live in the moment.


LiViN' dA vIdA lOcA

HOW YOU DOIN MIAMIIII

Here's a lil song for you. Love him. And his gorgeous lil 17 year old self. /ifeelold.
All my friends are turning 21. I still got a lil while. /imimpatient
I had a really stressful day. The kind of stressful where at the end of it you don't know what to do with yourself  because you're still in day-mode.  So now it's 11:52 and i'm all like, "Whaa where'd my day go"
and then i'm all like "Naah don't tell me I don't wanna know"
My legs are itchy because they're dry. It's barely fall and Winter's already like, "Suckaa got ya now and summer won't be saving you any time soon!" Winter hates me.
Kind of like Blue's roommate. Which I can't figure out why. But it kind of hurts my feelings.
In light of it being Monday and being that usually Mondays are so.. Monday and being that today was so.. Monday.. I'm going to think of 3 things that were good about today. In spite of it being Monday.

1. Great turkey sandwich on Ciabatta with pesto, mozarella, tomato and onion. And the sandwich maker and I flirted a lil bit and he gave me two pickles on the side and winked. But thinking about it now, it was probably a "You're gonna need those salty pickles after all those onions you're about to get on your breath..Heh heh heh. ;)"
2. My group in my advertising class being equally exhausted and stressed and making jokes about it. And when we were laughing really hard as we walked into class late, not realizing we were late until.. we realized we were late. /my life is awkward
3. Drying off from a hot shower and pulling on a soft t shirt and smothering your lips in balmy chapstick. Mmm. It's the little things, guys. The little things.

I'm off to upload some HerCampus content.
But first i'll leave you with this text message i just received:

"It's Caroline I read the message, you were gone Kelly said you were good at flirting I need help"

See that boys? Kelly said I'm good at flirting. So where are you hiding?
Come out so I can flirt with you. I'm good at it, I promise. Kelly said so.

Here are some things needed for C's arrival:

yep, that's pretty much it. 

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY C

                                                                                                                                                   ^..see what i did there?

"The earth without art would just be 'eh'"

I had so much to complain about on here but now that I'm here, I can't think of it.

From my window up here I watched a red car pull up with a girl in a purple dress who I can't see her face in the passenger seat and a boy in jeans driving. The boy got out and leaned back in the window to kiss the girl and probably said something like "be right back" because now the girl in the purple dress in sitting with the windows down and her bare feet propped up out the window and I guess she's waiting for her boy to come back. I still cant see her face, just her legs and her purple dress, but she looks happy and warm.  And she's making me want to sit in a car in the sun in the parking lot with my feet out the window. Instead I'm freezing in the lab that these people feel absolutely must be the coldest place on campus. The thermostat says 66. Chatter, chatter. That was my teeth.

Hell is gonna be so cool

You've got to play this game with fear and arrogance

Friday I've got a date at an organic Vietnamese restaurant with a biomedical engineering grad student from Duke.  If you'd like to know how this ever came about, you should probably ask in person. If that's really out of the question, which it is, I guess I'll just tell you on here.

It was kind of like when your standing at the bar with your friend and a short Asian guy with hair that was definitely styled with bedhead products comes up to you and says his friend's had his eye on you since you walked in. And you're like Aww! Awkward and creepy! But cool! A real live guy has been eyeing me! 

Then you realize this eyeing guy is either 12 or is gently struggling with his sexuality because no guy with balls ever worth dealing with would make his friend go up to you instead of doing it himself. But then eyeing guy appears. And he's tall and dark and averagely handsome and has bifocals even my great grandmother would refuse to wear.  I'm being awful, but plainly honest, and if I had any explanation for why I even started talking to this guy, I would be so set in life, I could graduate next month. 

But I don't, and who really cares. It's not like any other guy was pushing his way through the crowd to come up and talk to me.  (It's also not like any other guy is even the slightest bit as awkward and socially impeded as this one.) 

This guy isn't exactly someone you can explain with words. He's one of those people who has an air about him that you can't quite put your finger on until you see him again.  Which is why it's good he called the next day asking to take me out to dinner. 

I didn't even know what to say. So I said what I would normally say, and I said yes.  I think I'm so obsessed with people and the air they have about them, it didn't phase me that he wasn't fratty or adorable or sexy, I just wanted to be around him more, find out more about his air. And if there's anything worse than being single for the rest of your life, it's being a hippocrate. So for all the complaining and pitiful tweets I share with the world about #singlegirlproblems and sulking on my couch because some boy doesn't like me, I owe this date. Jesus Christ, it's not like we're getting married. It's Vietnamese food for crying out loud.

And with that, i leave you with an all-to-inspiring quote. Which I'm actually leaving more for me, but you can enjoy it, too. 

*I forgot to tell you his name. If I knew how to spell it.

"When everybody else is zigging, you should zag." 

Peace and blessings, 

Shan

^ha, just signed my own blog. Sweet, shan.

Ida Ekblad

This girl is amazing. Not only is she beautiful, she's got a mind of her own and enough talent to make you go up to your art ta after class when you look like a combination of death and homelessness and ask him what's her name again? Worth those few seconds of lost dignity. 

She's my current muse. 

Just making sure I shower before class next time. 

i can hear you love, through my radio, singin strong, singin slow.

http://www.photobygeri.com/?p=586

i lovveee love. lovelovelove. im in love with it.

and they were the ones like damn that's so sad, and we were the ones like nothing ever changes

"Someone once told me that if I could imagine myself doing anything other than music, anything, do it. Music is hard, you travel away from your family, your loved ones, you’ll be broke, you won’t sleep, etc. I thought about it, and I couldn’t think of anything else."
soja

I wish you were someone I knew nothing about

I saw you today
Wearing a shirt I gave you
You called my name out. 


Shan
The sound of it from your mouth.

Like throbbing radiation
Penetrating my ears
Dragging me by the shoulders
Down months, months


Stopped the dance in my heart,
not in my step.


cool shirt
I twirled around
You didn't stop the dance in my step

My ex-girlfriend gave it to me.

Ex-girlfriend.

Rushed over my insides.
Like eucalyptus, cough drop.
Black diamond speed

Thank God.

Love never asks you to lie

There is never gonna be another you and me.
Heard you cry.
Love never asks you to lie.

I am obsessively interested in everything and that gets expressed more through my eyes than through my ears

I've met me a lot.
I mean, I've seen myself, for 70 years, everyday, looked in the mirror, and wondered why I look the way I look.
So I am completely familiar with myself. But I don't really know what I look like.
I certainly don't know what i look like to other people.
And therefore I have to package myself in a way that reveals who I am.
So there's a certain packaging of human beings that takes place, in order to reveal ourselves authentically.
Or in order to pretend to be something other than what we are.


I will be using color. I will be using texture. I will be using the sequence of things.  Everybody knows that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.  It's a dinner. What few people realize, it only through the parts that the whole gets delivered.


If you walk around with a head of preoccupation, you're not going to notice anything.



I'm a very, very, highly-tuned appreciator.


Michael Wolff
new inspiration

Plain and grumpy

I feel like pouting. Maybe because it's Monday. Maybe because it's cloudy and cold and gray. Maybe because I stayed up too late watching Dexter when I could have been sleeping. Or because I have class tonight for 3 hours. Or because my face is breaking out. Or because I'm tired of the cracked screen and broken buttons on my phone.  Or because my toms are all of a sudden too small. Or because I haven't painted my nails in too long and they're long and chipping and annoying me.  And I hate that I read the daybook every day.  Like you aren't my life and i don't even know you. And I have homework I don't know how to do. And Z still doesn't like me nor do i even cross his mind ever. And I don't like pork chops but that's what we're having for dinner even though I'll miss dinner and have to get a late plate i don't want a late plate bc i dont want to eat pork chops ugh. So I have no idea what i'm going to eat for dinner because I'm sick of making pasta and yogurt and i don't have anything else in my pantry and I don't want to spend my money on groceries. So i'm going to sit at home and starve and be broke and do my homework wrong.

. 

Short Answer: Identify a person important to you and describe why they are important. This could be a family member or friend - we are interested to learn how you connect with people and create relationships.

I met Nina* my first year at UNC, agreed to share a room with her the next and now I share with her one of the truest friendships I have ever known.  We connected because we’re both about 6 feet tall, could laugh longer than we could ever study, and were both learning to revel in the single girl life we had both recently come to know. 

Just weeks after moving in, I ended a long-term, emotionally abusive relationship.  My days were dark, my heart was broken and I had no interest in anything, much less establishing a friendship with my roommate.  

Well, Nina had other plans for us, and started by waking me up with Starbucks’ Java Chip Frappuccinos in the mornings.  She’d take me out, make new friends for us, and show me funny videos to laugh at. She rolled her eyes on my bitch days, held my hand through my sad ones, and laughed with me through all the ones in between.  Pretty soon, I was showing her funny videos back, surprising her with Chai tea lattes, and was the one dragging her out on Thursday nights.  We were inseparable and having the times of our lives.  

Later that year, a stranger attacked and assaulted Nina. We were drowning in helplessness and didn’t know what to do next.  I couldn’t watch my friend suffer in the nauseating whirlpool of terror that had become her (and my) life, so I called a campus counselor and made her an appointment.  I gave her my phone to use as her own.  I talked to the police for her and answered all the questions.  I walked her to class and brought her dinner. I held her in her bed at night when she cried.  

Helping Nina heal helped me see how she had healed me.  I realized I was stronger, more compassionate and more trusting than I had been before. I was able to be there when she needed me. I was able to be the one to say, "It's okay, I'm here, and it's going to get better." These were all things I felt literally incapable of just months before. Nina turned me into the person I never thought I could be, and I am so thankful for that. I can’t imagine my life without Nina because not a day goes by that she doesn't show me in one way or another how to be a friend. 

*name changed 

Moms are cute

But girl don't let your dreams be dreams

Dream man. 

Please heaven let me find 21st century version of Hal Riney. 

You might perchance say I'm currently head over heels for a man of the 1950s. 

Which makes me try to talk like I'm from the 1950's, too. 

There's just something about that honey-coated voiceover that sure gets me swingin' and jivin'..

...a girl can dream.....

im a zombie sorority girl

We practiced early in the morning to late into the night and then early into the next morning.
We jumped up and down so hard you'd think we had a house full of hyperactive elephants.
We chanted like a tribe of Native American college girls.
We sang until we lost our voices.
We tied ribbons into bows.
And hot-glued them to frames.
While listening to Justin Bieber.
We ordered hundreds of dollars worth of food to our house at 3 a.m.
We laughed enough to start a holiday.
And yelled enough to resemble a big, dysfunctional family on drugs.

I'm literally worn out. And literally so happy.  Such a successful recruitment.  And 51 gorgeous biddies to prove it.  Here's to the end of NBNB
           ....and a weekend full of mixers, tailgating, and FOOTBALL!!

Welcome, betas, boys, and beer.

We made it!

Sometimes i think it would be so nice to swim around the bottom of the ocean with other dolphins

things i like

that.  

those. 

her. 

Walking around my room in my underwear pretending like I'm in a Victoria's Secret commercial.

Clean sheets and smooth legs

Swinging in the backyard
Pull up in your fast car
Whistling my name

Open up a beer
And you take it over here
And play a video game

I'm in his favorite sun dress
Watching me get undressed
Take that body downtown

I say you the bestest
Lean in for a big kiss
Put his favorite perfume on

Go play a video game

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I doI tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do

Singing in the old bars
Swinging with the old stars
Living for the fame

Kissing in the blue dark
Playing pool and wild darts
Video games

He holds me in his big arms
Drunk and I am seeing stars
This is all I think of

Watching all our friends fall
In and out of Old Paul's
This is my idea of fun
Playing video games

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I doI tell you all the time

Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do

I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?

It's better than I ever even knew

They say that the world was built for two

Only worth living if somebody is loving you

Baby now you do 

I heard that you like the bad girls, honey. Is that true?

disclaimer: this is about to be non-interesting, non-thoughtful, and non-beneficial to you in any way. Just spilling head talk. thanks bye~

today was a good solid day. It had many little quirks, some good, some bad, some just quirky, but all in all the kind of day that leaves you satisfied.  It started out with some reminders from last night, including mysterious black smudge marks on my wall, all the couch coushins on the floor, and also the same shirt i wore out lasted me all day. this made my 3 hour 8 am art class long but it was fine.  Lunch was also good, we had turkey and vegetarian ruebens, which, for the record, are d.a.n.k. Also, there were cheetos, which are my absolute delight. i got a lot done at the lab then went to class at 2, media law, which i have an adorable awesome professor, he's seriously so awesome. also in this class i have like, no joke, 15 friends, so it's more of a social hour than anything. i then proceeded to wobble home in pain because i decided id like to trek around campus in a new pair of jack rogers all day. i actually didnt even make it home, i fled to the annex where i leaped into mek's bed and holed up for a nap.  talk about the kind of relaxing where you dont even feel your arms or legs anymore youre so relaxed.  Then i woke up to their roommate jorden typing away on her laptop and realized if i wanted to make it to the bank before 5, i should get going. So i tip-toe-hopped home barefoot -more pain- to change my shoes and eat more first. also have a quick convo with one of the roommates, xtina.  then i ran, well i walked, i couldnt run because the soles of my feet were raw by this point- did i mention it hurt?- and made it to the bank at 5:04. Closed. Cool. *see 'why this is a problem' below. So i walked, defeated and pathetically, to my last class 32 minutes early.  And got free krispy kreme coffee on the way because i can get free krispy kreme coffee once every day #thanksramsclub. On the way i see maj, this cute guy i used to really like and maybe still do. (youll never know.) his names not actually maj, but anonymity is key on the world wide web these days. I pride myself on this interaction for the day because it was the kind where you were totally cool and he was totally awkward and you dont care that he was awkward but feel bad for him and are glad it wasnt you.  I walked into class and met my very lovely and handsome professor who was very friendly as we made small talk and endured the uncomfortable 26 minutes we had alone in the same room together until more students started trickling in.  He has two little kids and lives in wake forest, and he's the kind of guy you can tell within the first 5 minutes of meeting him is a great husband.  Here's where I say this. I love this class. It's advertising copy and i have never been more excited to take a class ever in my  life.  If i could create a perfect class with perfect assignments and perfect everything, it would be this class. So good thing its 3 hours every monday night, because that's a gossip girl ep. and a free dinner at the house i'm missing for it.  After class i went to the last hour and a half of rush practice where we had a cookie shine (nice surprise)- A cookie shine is where you lay a big sheet on the ground that says PI BETA PHI and has little designs like arrows all over it and you put different kinds of cookies all over the sheet and everyone goes out and picks up a cookie and eats it. I ate enough cookies to feed a small kindergarten class.  I also worked on our rush banner I'm painting, which is turning out really cute, and I know it is because my sistas tell me so. 10 days till we get the new biddies!

I'm now drinking 'bedtime story' tea in a hipster mug from anthropologie and burning a candle called "beach daisy." I'm also thinking about how i only have one class at 3:30 tomorrow and how it feels so good to put my feet up in bed and how my hair is clean and wet.  I will now go listen to Lana del Rey and read the Help and text my boy nate happy birthday. used his real name whoops whatcha gon do bout it.

I'm going to name my first daughter Lana del Rey. She's going to be the smartest girl in the world.

do you think we'll be in love forever?

hiiiee lana del rey ive got a big fat girl crush on you and u are so cool and talented! Karaoke 2nite gonna sing dis one or maybe dis one. awwh yeyeea i dont hate benny or his jetzz lez sing the towns little heart out be cuz we are WeirdD and we're wonderfUlllllll

NEw lOve

http://adamblockdesign.com/abd/category/gallery/


in the form of this website.
                      Click. Look. Fall.
                                   in love, that is.
                                  with Adam Block. 

Your turn

my little brendy is going to college.





he's going to study and meet people and stay up all night and drink with new friends and go to class and take notes and do laundry.

I hope he has the best time ever.

Now here's a sentimental song to highlight the cheesiness this post deserves.

We are all just lovers

i love living.
i love being here.
i love everyone i know.
i love everything i do.
and everything that happens to me .
i love not realizing how much i love everything
because when i do,
it makes me love it that much more.

i also love this song. for reasons too special to share on this blog.



God is so damn creative. And this journey he's taking me on. It's incredible.  I try to thank Him every night.  It never seems enough. But i know He knows i'm happy. I'm not sure what i did.  I'm not even sure anyone else would love my life as much as i do. But ill never be able to thank him enough for picking me to give it to.

couldnt decide wut to listen to so im listening to luda whats ur fantasy uh yea give it to me now

i am so creepy because i love looking at wedding pictures and i'm not even getting married nor even have bf of 3 years nor have a boyfriend of any length of time! lalal some people are so DAMN CUTE.

aight nuff a dat.

i bought the help today so im going to go read that. and i also bought this book called i totally meant to do that by jane borden and she is so great i want to be friends with her hahah. she went to chap, so she'd be totally down to get a blue cup wit me if i friended her on facebook and asked. ?. soo today i did a lot of embarrassing things that i probably only did because im single. which include:

1. taking a walk of shame back from an equally single girlfriend's house after a night out stealing glass pints from topo and escaping ex boyfriends to flirt with he's not bartenders who know we're underage.

2. Doing an unbelievably cheesy nineties aerobics video in my living room and sweating a lot, and also verbally responding to Kathy Smith's cheesy encouragement. Can't figure out how her hair stays just so as we're working out. like, really kath??

3. Going to barnes and noble and spending 3 hours reading the first pages of every book that had a cute creative cover. That took a long time. like 3 hours. 

4. Going to cosmic cantina by myself and reading my new books while i eat. which meant i read the same page like 6 times because my hands were too greasy to turn the page as fast as i finished reading a page. and also i think i spent more time trying to park on franklin than actually eating. 

5. then going to sugarland and buying a chocolate coconut cupcake that cost the same as my dinner. it was so good, and i tried to eat it really slow. So like, it took 4 minutes instead of 2. i read some more of my book there, which is about when i fell in love with jane borden.

6. then that brings me to around now. And one of my roommates came home, so i snapped out of my embarrassing day and acted like a normal person who spends their time on facebook while no one's home. What? i've been here all day, i swear. 

Also, a guy texted earlier, whose text went along the lines of "it's kevin, please say you remember me haha" and after a few texts i actually said: "what's your last name i'm going to stalk you on facebook."

Alright shan, stick with me now, we don't say that to people, ever really, especially to guys you dont know. 

But he said lohan or something and Lol. So i stalked. then stopped texting. 

haha just kididng he was all right. i met him at brass monkey in the city (nyc, that is) and he's coming into town tomorrow so he wants me to show him around. NOW who's the trendy local?? ha i don't know what trendy has to do with that i just felt like deciding i was trendy. I am sometimes actually, my outfit was cute yesterday. Shoulda took a pic but i didnt, sucks for you!